Santa's not the only one who should be kicked out on 12/26!
In many places where Christmas is observed, the day itself
is for family and quiet contemplation. (Wow! What a bizarre idea, huh?) Present
exchanges, usually modest ones given in small numbers (shocking!), actually
take place on December 26, Boxing Day. (In the USA, we return gifts on Boxing Day.) So here’s my Grinch list of Boxing Day
gifts for decision- and non-decision-makers (broadly defined).
To Egypt: A
military coup. It’s the only thing that has a prayer of saving the nation from
civil war, religious jihad, and regional war. The Muslim Brotherhood has
railroaded through a new constitution that will, if left unchecked, impose
sharia law on the nation and take it back to the 14th century. It
will, of course, blame Israel for anything that goes wrong and seek to launch a
holy war against it. Ordinary Egyptians would be much better off under a junta.
To all doe-eyed
liberals who actually believed in Arab Spring: Huge slices of humble pie
and forced feedings of it. Maybe if they get sick enough, reality will dawn.
Who knew Arab Spring would not bring
democracy to Yemen or Egypt? Lots of us, actually! In fact, anyone who actually
knows the difference between fairy tales and social reality anticipated this.
To the NRA: Copies of Mein
Kampf and 10% off coupons for jackboots and brown shirts. This is how
fascism begins–a bully group of well-armed thugs decides that their self-interest
matters more than the well being of the masses. Fear is used to cow the populace
into believing that only the thugs can save them from the savagery that the
thugs themselves unleashed. The NRA at least ought to learn their tactics from
a master.
To the masses: The
secret ballot and instructions on how to use it to vote down thugs,
fear-mongers, and assorted bullies. Also an instruction manual on pressure
politics within putative democratic societies. Caveat: You actually have to use the vote and citizen lobbying power,
not serenely assume that there is magic in the mere possession of them.
To the average
taxpayer: A big old increase in federal levies. Go on–blame Obama. You know
you want to. But you can really thank the Tea Party, which would rather make
you guys pay through the nose than to tell the 1% that they actually have to pay anything substantial for the
privilege of living in a capitalist society. (Of course, you might just want to use the ballot and
pressure politics to fight this. See above.)
To Obama: A
spine. You’ve been reelected Big Guy, so take charge. Call out the fascists and
the greedy. Go ahead–impugn their patriotism and call them what they are:
disloyal, self-centered, and greedy. And while you’re at it, the word “treason”
is defined as “an attempt or conspiracy to overthrow or war against the
government,” which is exactly what a lot of the hard right has advocated.
They’re not even subtle about it. Check out the statements on violently
overthrowing the government by Texan secessionists and Mississippi Tea Party leader
Roy Nicholson. Order their arrests, Big Guy. Put aside Mr. Compassionate and
find your inner LBJ. Kick some butt, starting with the anti-government crowd.
When we go over the Fiscal Cliff, use executive powers to punish the districts
of anti-government Congressmen. And remind Americans regularly why they are paying higher taxes.
To the Founding
Fathers: A Rest in Peace Bill. The new law asserts that: (a) the founders
were mortals, not infallible gods, (b) they were politicians skilled in
ambiguous doublespeak long before the term was invented, (c) they were not
clairvoyants able to foresee all future implications of the documents they
wrote, and (d) they consisted of many non-denominational and non-religious individuals
who would be repelled by the very idea of mixing politics and doctrine.
To politicians
present and future: A current calendar and the particulars of the
subsection of the Founding Fathers Rest in Peace Law. This section requires
that “All members of Congress must, upon taking office, sign an affidavit
stipulating that they have no idea what the founders really intended. Moreover, members of Congress are charged with
making sound policy for the current
time period, not 1783. No member of Congress can support measures to restore
slavery, property requirements for voting, male supremacy, or repeal of the 16th
Amendment.”
And, just to lighten the mood a bit, some sports gifts:
To the Pittsburgh
Pirates: A 21st consecutive year of losing baseball. Any team
that would give away a top closer (Joel Hanrahan) to the Red Sox for a bust
minor league pitcher (Stolmy Pimentel? Who the hell names a kid Stolmy?) and a
minor leaguer (James Sand) who was a trade toss-in from another organization,
simply doesn’t deserve to win.
To the Boston
Celtics: A GPS pinned with the location of the Fountain of Youth, or a
March dump-salaries trading session. Guess which one is more likely for this
broken-down plow horse of a team?
To the National
Hockey League: The demise of Gary Bettman. But which is more likely, an
outbreak of democracy in the Middle East or a contagion of sanity in
professional hockey? I wouldn’t bet a bag of pucks on either.