Football Bowl Games We Probably Don't Need

The site of UMass's first bowl appearance.

I admit that I find football boring. I especially find college football to be a waste of money that could be put to much better use. TV would have you believe that college football is a big-time moneymaker. That’s pure BS; fewer than two dozen NCAA schools take in more football revenue than they spend. Among those that do–Penn State comes to mind–it’s an savory racket dominated by gamblers, grifter alums, and politicians willing to pay whatever it takes to bring glory to the gridiron, even at the expense of public safety, morality, and protecting children.

My own school, the University of Massachusetts Amherst, recently took the plunge and “upgraded” its football program to Bowl Championship Series level. Oh yeah, it also joined the Mid-America Conference, because everyone knows there’s a natural rivalry between a university in western Massachusetts and those in central Michigan, northern Iowa, and Ohio’s Rust Belt. Hundreds of fans poured into Foxboro Stadium to witness some of these matches. Another brilliant idea: play home games in Foxboro, 90 miles from the UMass campus. Needless to say, UMass lost millions of dollars in a season in which it went 1-11. It didn’t get a bowl bid.

And to that I ask, why not? It’s just not fair. Among the sillier things about college football is that you don’t actually have to be any damn good to get a bowl bid. It’s the every child is an honors child syndrome goes to college. In 2012, a dozen teams went to bowl games, even though they had 6-6 records. Half of them lost, thus finishing under .500 for the season. (Georgia Tech was 6-7 and still went to a bowl.) Another 11 were at 7-5 going into their bowl games. Of course, it’s not about excellence any more; it’s about corporate promotions. The old bowl names are out and the games are now just big advertisements for businesses whose commercials happen to feature gear-wearing shills. Is there any reason in the world not to add more bowls so that really bad teams like UMass can get a piece of the action? I scoured the bottom 25 teams for 2012, a list that includes UMass. (Team chant: “We’re 17, we’re 17!”) Here are a few bowl games we need to have:

Three of the worst 25 are in Texas, where they do love their football and their guns. I propose the NRA Assault Rifle Bowl: Texas State vs. Texas-San Antonio.

How about Florida Atlantic vs. San Jose State in the iMaps Bowl in Bora Bora. Travel expenses will be minimal as neither school will be able to find the site.

Let’s refight the Civil War with Buffalo vs. South Alabama in the Clint Eastwood Bowl. Just to make sure no one gets hurt, the teams will stay at home and scream at empty stadiums.

Akron is so shitty it managed to lose to UMass, which makes it a perfect match for Memphis in the Fake Dog Poop Bowl.

Louisiana generally ranks at the bottom of American education rankings and its Ozark neighbors are just a tick ahead of them. How about Louisiana-Monroe vs. Arkansas A & M in the Jello Brain Mold Bowl?

Middle Tennessee and Western Kentucky are genetic naturals for the Spray-On Hair Bowl.

My own beloved UMass will take on Hofstra in the first Ty-D-Bol Bowl. Hofstra doesn’t actually have a football squad any more, but some of those cocky frat boys on Long Island on the intramural flag football team have been running wind sprints and are bragging they’ll take down the Minutemen. The over/under has Hofstra +10.

Finally, let’s give PA Governor Tom Corbett his wish: Penn State gets to play a bowl game against Ball State in Chatham County, Georgia on the grounds of Bethesda Home for Boys, the nation’s largest orphanage. And who better to sponsor it than Dick’s?