Ten Food Trends That Are So Over

Among the collateral damage of TV food shows is that foodie culture has become as trendy as any other form of popular culture–and in some ways, just as vacuous as the rest of television. Here are some “gourmet” (word used ironically) trends that should just go away.

1. Food as architecture. Remember the 1950s TV dinners that came in tin foil trays with ridges that walled off the potatoes from the peas and the meatloaf? We should stock restaurants with these so that chefs stop stacking the food. What am I, six months old? I don’t want my food smushed together so that the flavors “marry.” (Read: Every bite tastes the same.) Some of us actually like to taste the distinctiveness of vegetables, or enjoy the mouth feel of buttery potatoes. Can we please lose the food towers? If not, let’s go the next step and put everything into a blender and serve it adult-Gerber style.

2. Raspberry has been done to death. I used to enjoy raspberry picking. I associated it with a brief moment in summer in which Nature ripened and yielded her bounty. Now I hate raspberries. Thanks food industry. Raspberry is a very singular taste that shouldn’t  be consumed year ‘round. Tell that to chefs that put in on everything and proudly taut their raspberry coulis and raspberry drizzle. It’s as ubiquitous as parsley used to be. Unlike parsley, you can’t just push it aside and ignore it; raspberry gets into everything on the plate. I want roast beef au jus, thank you, not roast beef swimming in strained fruit. And I sure as hell don’t want it drizzled on chocolate, because...

3. Chocolate doesn’t need any help. I routinely send back chocolate desserts that come with unwanted raspberry. I do the same with mint sauce, orange swirls, and other such unadvertised overkill. You only need to dress up molten-center chocolate cake or a mousse if the chocolate is crap, in which case the chef should be sent back! There are just a few ingredients that should ever be mixed with chocolate. Peanut butter is one. I’ll get back to you with another. I’ve no objection to a dollop of cream and a strawberry on the side, but if I wanted to eat the equivalent of Neapolitan ice cream, I would have ordered it.

4. Pomegranate is an acquired taste. I actually like it, but it’s on its way to becoming the new raspberry–or so trendsetters would like you to believe. It won’t succeed; as more people dislike it than enjoy it. So lose it already. Like you did with mango, the last fruit you told everyone they’d love and they didn’t.

5. Panko is Japanese for breadcrumbs. Sorry, but I refuse to be impressed by “golden cod encrusted in panko.” When I was a kid we called that what is: a fried fish cake. Look up the word panko and it tells you that it’s an “inexpensive filler” to extend meat and other entrees. It doesn’t say this, but it should; its other meaning is: “ordinary bread crumbs under a pretentious name that adds 20-30% to the price of a so-so restaurant offering.”  

6. Greek yoghurt is no better than any other kind. Yes, it has a slightly different texture. It also tends to be a tad more sour. It’s hyped because it’s strained to remove more whey, which theoretically makes it healthier. Except that it has way more calories than fat-free regular yoghurt, which tastes just as good. Mainly Greek yoghurt just costs twice as much.  

7. Grapefruit and beet juice. They are very au courant. Just two thoughts: You’ve got to be kidding. Why?

8. Coffee and beer should be flavored with coffee and beer.  Infused coffees are like drinking a cup of Beyoncé’s perfume. I mean it. Hazelnut and other flavored coffees engage my gag reflexes. Restaurants serving this kind of swill should be required to state so on their menus. A cup of Maxwell House would be preferable.

            I once enjoyed the occasional seasonal beer flavored with things such as blueberry or pumpkin. Then a friend bought me a case of blueberry ale and I had the raspberry reaction. Mainly I just think coffee and beer should be what they are–not fruit and/or nut delivery devices.

9. Bacon is farm food. These days the only thing longer than a list of foods with bacon in them is Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet. Bacon is yummy because it’s mainly salt and fat. It’s one thing to load up on bacon if you’re a farmer burning a few thousand calories before noon; it’s another altogether to pig out on bacon if you’re going to park your fanny on a chair in front of a computer.

            Chow down on artery clogging bacon if you must, but can you please keep it out of food combos that border on the surreal. Among the weird places it shows up these days are in ice cream, beer, fudge, vodka, and peanut butter. That’s just gross! 

10. Bring back bread and water. Enough with the gluten-free diets already. Bread should be eaten in moderation, but if you eliminate it altogether, you’ll crave it and binge. Note to restaurants: If you really want me to order another glass of overpriced wine, bring me some bread so my body can absorb the alcohol. And bring some water too, lest the alcohol cause dehydration. And, no, I won't walk away thinking your establishment is saving the planet because you didn't automatically bring water to the table.