In a statement that surprised even some ardent defenders of
the Second Amendment, National Rifle Association spokesman Trigg R. Happy
seized upon the May 23 Isla Vista, California murders to issue a wake-up call
to gun owners. "I'm sick of all the liberal namby-pambies calling for gun
control," said Happy. "Hell's bells, three of them seven people what
died in California was stabbed. That's unacceptable." Happy went on to
call gunman Eliot Rodger a "weenie" for stabbing three of the
victims. According to Happy, "A real man woulda used a big f'in' gun. I
think Rodger killed hisself with a gun outta shame for not shootin' the other
three."
Happy also called upon NRA members to "pick up the
pace." He cited statistics that showed that in the past three decades
"only 335,609 'Muricans has been murdered by guns. Dammmit, that's only
the population of St. Louis, Nebraska," said Happy, who mislocated
Missouri's largest city. He also expressed outrage that there have been only 70
mass shootings since 2000. "They's more n' 19,000 cities, towns, n'
villages in this here nation and just a few of 'em have had mass shootins.'
What's wrong with NRA members? I think they's been pussywhipped by lib'rals and
feminazis. Well I'm here to say, 'Wake up people. Commence a-shootin be4 them
comminis' Obama-lovin' lib'rals takes away yer guns.' Ev'ry town in Murica
needs a good killin' or two to make foolish non-gun owners realize if they
ain't packin,' they ain't breathin'."
Happy was immediately invited to appear on Fox News' Sean Insanity's
show to promote his views on "true Americanism." To represent the
position of kneejerk liberals, the Insanity Show has also invited Sunshine
Getalong of the Peace, Rainbows, and Cuddly Puppies Coalition to make a plea
that we all hug and seek to understand each other.
In other news, Fairness in Media issued an independent
report. According to Cameron Greenroom, a lowly intern with FIM, "Our
report shows that there is some validity in the NRA's allegation. Each day
about 38 Americans die from gunshot wounds. But people forget that there are
314,000,000 people in this country. That means that every day 313,999,962
people are not murdered by
guns." NRA President Bob "Dead Eye" Wuntooth responded to the FIM
statement by remarking, "That's what I'm talkin' about Them numbers is way
to [sic] low. We kin do better as a nation."
But are there holes in the NRA ranks? Not all gun owners
agree with the NRA's position. "I've been huntin' for 50 years," said
former Vice President Dick Cheney, "and I've shot just the one
person." A survey of imprisoned U.S. gun murderers indicated that 73% of
them were "satisfied" with their output, and had "little or no
desire" to shoot anyone else. In a chilling side note, though, former New
England Patriots football player Aaron Hernandez said he "wouldn't mind
putting a few more in the [rifle] sites."
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