Heathen cup vs. Christian cup? |
About the time you think life can't get any weirder, it
does. A new battle rages across the land, my friends—one, I'm told, that
threatens the survival of Western society as we know it. Go ahead and blame me
if society crumbles like a stale muffin, because after this essay I intend to
sit on the sidelines. I just can't get all that frothed over images of
Christmas as seen from the side of a Starbuck's coffee cup.
If you've been on another planet and missed all of this, let
me first tell you how much I envy you. To bring you up to speed, Starbuck's
riled Christians of (little) faith by unveiling the paper cup in which December
beverages will be served. Shockingly, it's red. Even worse, it has the
Starbuck's logo on it! Imagine the nerve of putting the corporate logo of the
corporation selling you corporate coffee directly onto the side of a
corporate cup. But this isn't all that stirred the sludgy minds of
evangelical caffeine addicts. Even worse, that's all that's on the cup–no
Christmas symbols like reindeer, holly, or Santa. If memory serves, didn't
Starbuck's have a blue snowflake cup last year? Did that escape comment because
it evoked Elvis's "Blue Christmas?" (Maybe the War on Christmas crowd
confused Elvis and Elves. That could happen.)
By contrast, Chris Davis, the head of a North Carolina-based
group calling itself Faith Driven Consumer–you can't make it up–has praised
Dunkin' Donuts seasonal cup, a pink, green, and orange vegetative design that appears
to be half pine and half tarragon, encircling the word "Joy." Well
praise the Lord and pass the Half and Half. And thank you for informing me
that orange is now a holiday color, that joy is a Christian word, and that
consumerism is now officially faith-based. Apparently a new lost text of Matthew
21 reveals that Jesus drove the money-changers from the Temple and then, after a
quick stop to get a cup of Dunkin', toddled over to Walmart to do a little
Christmas shopping. On the way he regaled the disciples with warm family stories
about the manger and how the forgotten fourth Magi, Milkyor, came bearing a
thermos full of Joe for his infant self.
Can we just stop with all this War on Christmas nonsense? If
one measures Christmas according to a Faith Driven Consumer standard, the war
has been won. Last year more than $616 billion was spent during the official
holiday season that begins the day after Thanksgiving. That's up a trifling
$584 billion over what it was ten years earlier!
Do you want to talk about Christmas outside of the consumer
realm? Good luck with that. Adbusters promotes a Buy Nothing Day for Black
Friday, but CNN won't run their ads. Did I mention that CNN is owned by a bunch
of one-percenters (and I don't mean a coffee additive)? Want to bring back the true spirit of Christmas? Tell Chris
Davis that he and his ilk need to stop rendering unto Caesar. And to all whose
faith is shaken by a plain red coffee cup I say, "Your faith is weaker
than Dunkin' Donuts' coffee."
I'm done now. Go ahead and blame me if the red cup really is
the tipping point that leads to Christmas being outlawed. You'd have grounds.