Thinking about Civility

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Reflections on Civility: Another Birthday

I’ve managed to spin around the planet another whole year, an annual accomplishment that makes me ponder things. In Year Two of the Trump era I have civility on my mind—ways we can be kinder to each other within our communities. Maybe the POTUS has contempt for civil discourse, but that doesn’t mean we have to stoop that low.

Here are ten ways we can follow to Make America Nice Again.

1. Stop insisting that your own way of life is “right.”

Every time I hear someone go on an anti- [fill in your least favorite group] rant, what I really hear is, “I’m so insecure in my own identity that I’m going to criticize yours.” It’s this simple: In most cases, no one within any particular group has ever tried to tell me how to live my life, so I’m surely not going to tell them how to live theirs.

2. If it hasn’t happened to you, maybe it's not a problem.

Many things that divide us are just Straw Man debates. Do you worry that immigrants are stealing “American jobs.” Well, has that ever happened to you? Have you ever been fired so the boss could hire an illegal immigrant? Are erstwhile Silicon Valley programmers remaining unemployed because non-documented workers are doing all the coding?

3. Unless you really know, don’t assume you do.

I often overhear disdain for those using food stamps at the grocery store, especially when they walk out with a cart filled with things you’re about to pay the proverbial pretty penny to procure. I've heard people mutter that those using food stamps are unworthy and need to “work for a living.” Do you know anything about those relying on welfare? Let’s start with the fact that more than half of all families getting food stamps contain at least one member who works full time. Follow with most food stamps feed children. If you know nothing of the recipient, don’t invent a narrative; doing so merely makes you a petty gossip-monger.

4. Don’t extrapolate without data.

It’s one of the few things I recall from math classes! I’m sure each of us has seen people game the system. There are, of course, welfare cheats. Also crooked lawyers, money managers, plumbers, mechanics, professional athletes, doctors, ad infinitum. There are Muslim terrorists, but Christians are more likely to commit murderous acts within the United States. The moral is that there’s world of difference between individual cases and patterns. Confusing the two makes you a hater, not a prophet.

5. Be neither a Neanderthal nor a PC Snowflake.

 Has nuance had been abolished? It often appears that we’ve split into two camps: vitriolic misanthropes and oversensitive snowflakes. The first have no heart; the second expend more energy being offended than in making things better. The first is spiteful and mean; the second boorish and sanctimonious. The first is deluded by faith in assumed moral certainty; the second by blind belief in castles in the sky. The first needs to soften, the second to toughen. Both need to embrace the fact that few things in life are either/or.

6. There is a difference between mistakes and intentions.

You are not perfect, so why assume others are? I want to hurl every time I hear terms such as flip-flop, microaggression, extremist, mansplaining, or the suffix –tard on any word. We use insults to pigeonhole rather than hear what the person intended. Social media repeatedly demonstrates that often we express ourselves awkwardly, rashly, or obtusely. Heaven forbid you do so, because the rest of the universe becomes temporarily perfect and rushes to label you. Next time you’re tempted to label another, make damn sure you know that the other person actually intends harm. Don't forget to consider that you might be the jerk in the murk.

7. Ask the question and sit down.

Few things are as irksome as a Q and A after a talk in which someone gives a speech instead of just asking a question. Men often try to spray turf or critique before they cut to the chase; women have a tendency to over-emote by telling us how they feel or were moved. Just ask the question!

8. Stop dropping F-bombs.

There was a time when the word ‘fuck’ shocked us. Not any more. It might be the most over-used term of the 21^st century. Very few will think you badass, clever, or hip when you utter it in earshot. They’ll instead think: rude, crude, and unrefined.

9. Don’t wear ignorance like a badge of honor.

Can an ill-educated nation be a great one? Not on this globalized planet. You can deny science—if you don’t care about planetary Armageddon. You can remain undereducated, unskilled, and uniformed—if you’re comfortable being unemployed, unemployable, and clueless. You can blame someone else for your troubles—as long as you know that few will care about your self-inflicted woes. Ignorance is to be combated, not celebrated.

10. You might as well be a mensch.

Thanks to an old buddy for this phrase, which is basically a Yiddish spin on being a good egg—an honorable person in the eyes of others. So much anger, tragedy, selfishness, and division would dissolve if we each understood that in the grand sweep of the Universe, no one of us is all that important. The Universe doesn’t want to hear us brag, overhear our cellphone conversations, or bow before our fame and acclaim. We don’t have the right to cut others off in traffic, or to take their lives. There is no justification for abusing; we do not elevate our esteem by demeaning others. Toys and wealth will not save us from the ultimate fate: we will die. The choice is really whether one checks out loved or unloved. In my own imperfect way, I'm trying to be a mensch.