Tall Tales & Wee Stories (2019)
By Billy Connolly
Two Roads, 325 pages.
★★★
Billy Connolly will be 82 next month. He has nee called the funniest comic in British history. That’s debatable, of course, though he has been knighted. That’s pretty funny, as he’s a supporter of Scottish independence! Americans might know him best for his work in TV and movies, like Mrs. Brown (1997), a Muppets movie, or in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. The last two are hilarious given that Billy Connolly is one of the filthiest comedians ever to make the stage roar.
If you pick up his Tall Tales & Wee Stories, you might want to keep it out of reach until young whelps are ready for blue words–say six when they hear them in school. Connolly is Lenny Bruce unleashed. (Bruce got arrested for material that has gone from obscene to routine.) Connolly’s also an example of what happened once Scotland threw off the chains of John Knox-style Presbyterianism. These days you’ll run into people who think the Scots are the funniest people on the planet. T’was not always so. Until World War II, Scots were as grey and gloomy as their weather.
Connolly came of age in gritty postwar Glasgow, was abandoned by his mother, was raised by two aunts, and became a welder. In other words, a working class outlook with no time for bourgeois niceties. This became fodder for the no-whinging first section of his book: “Childhood & Family.” Thank heaven for someone who can say of deprivation, “Nonsense! When you’re a wee boy it’s not like that.” The things that rankled were a visiting priest that ate all the good crumpets and pretense. All of sudden their tenement had a “cloakroom.” (“ Bloody ‘cloakroom.’ She thinks it’s a dance hall she’s in.”) Connolly’s rants against mathematics, substitute teachers, and telling a cardinal to “fuck off” are priceless. Outings to swim in the North Sea led to one of his greatest lines: Scots aren’t white people; they’re translucent blue.
Rock n’ roll, the folk revival, and the counterculture fit Connolly like a condom, which he hates by the way. He’s six feet tall, but projects the ‘tude and swager of someone even more substantial and gained the nickname “Big Yin." He certainly cut a commanding figure with a bull neck, a wild, long mane and striding in his banana boots. Wait! Did I say banana boots? Yep. They were his trademark for a while and are still on view at the People’s Palace in Glasgow. Connolly is also a very good musician who still gets called upon to pick up an instrument (banjo, guitar, autoharp) for gigs and studio recordings with traditional musicians.
In in “Scotland and Beyond” Connolly regales us with observations about the Irish, Australians, waiters who don’t offer menus, Scots getting drunk on crème de menthe, rain, and the British National Anthem. He’s okay with the idea of “saving the Queen” in the latter, but overall the anthem is “boring… appalling… racist.. and anti-Scottish.” Leave it him to link the anthem to poor showings in the Olympics.
The chapters get bluer as he delves into “Real Characters”–never trust a comic who uses the word real– “Accidents and Adventures,” “Sex, Drugs & Folk Music,” and “A Life Worth Living.” He offers commentary such as, “Never trust a man who, when left in a room with tea cosy, doesn’t try it on;” and “if you’d like to lose weight, never eat anything that’s served in a bucket. A bucket is the kitchen implement of the farmyard.” He hates stupid questions, like when you witness an accident and you’re asked, “Can you tell us in your own words what happened?” ‘What, do you think I have my own words? Who would I talk to?’” You name it and Connolly has a twisted POV: computers, “beige” people, naked bungie jumping, cuddling, sexy bandages, scrotums, vomit, New Age nonsense, and swearing (he’s for it).
I’m a huge Billy Connolly fan, so why just three stars? First, Connolly often goes for cheap jokes and second, non-Scots will be baffled by some of his tales. Mainly, though, Connolly has to be seen to be appreciated fully. His comedy is akin to the manic energy of the late Robin Williams; it’s often not what he says, but how he says it. Read his cuddling story and then see it on YouTube. Connolly has been married to a psychologist for the past 35 years. Take from that what you will!
Rob Weir
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