I think most of you are now old enough to know something that’s been kept from you. It's about the true hero of Christmas. If you were like most kids, you grew up singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Rudolph always gets the glory, but if it wasn't for Murray, there might not be Christmas.
First you need to learn a big word: auxiliary. It means extra help that makes a job easier. It can also mean a substitute, like when your teacher got sick, a substitute was hired, and you got to behave like an idiot until the regular teacher returned to the classroom. This story is about the substitute reindeer that saved Christmas: Murray the Auxiliary Reindeer.
You’ve heard that it takes nine reindeer pull Santa's sleigh. He needs that many because he has to work faster than an Amazon driver to deliver presents across the entire world in one night. Did you ever stop to think about what would happen if one of the reindeer got sick? Santa did! He packs auxiliary reindeer in the trunk of his sleigh–just like there’s a spare tire in your car trunk for emergencies.
Santa has several auxiliary reindeer, including two females: Olive and Oyl. Olive took over for Dancer one year when the stupid jerk pulled a muscle while trying to impress a female moose in very short cut-offs. Once all the other reindeer called Cupid "Stupid" because he wasn't paying attention, walked into a brick wall, and knocked himself silly. He was dizzy and had a bump the size of an elephant’s butt between his antlers. Santa had to get Olive out of the trunk that year. Two years later, Blitzen had a massive infection from wearing hooves that were too small. I don’t remember which of the auxiliary reindeer was used that year, but it might have been Nixon.
The reindeer that's the hardest to replace, though, is Rudolph. Santa depends on his red nose. If you have seen sleighs in snow-covered fields you probably noticed that they lack headlights. A big open field is one thing, but Santa flies and has to steer around tall objects like airplanes, skyscrapers, the Eiffel Tower, and Victor Wembanyama. Santa needs Rudolph's nose to do exactly what the song says: guide his sleigh. What happens if Rudolph gets sick? How does Santa see to deliver his gifts? I suppose he could try a flashlight, but he’d never get to all the houses on time if he had to keep stopping to change batteries.
Imagine how horrible it would be if Santa absolutely, positively couldn’t guarantee overnight delivery. Kids would wake up on Christmas morning and there would be nothing underneath the tree except a plate of stale cookies and a glass of bacteria-laden milk that Santa didn't consume because he got delayed. It’s entirely possible that little boys, girls, and autocrats in remote places like Alaska, the Kremlin, South Korea, or Mar-a-Lago would not get their toys and rockets for several days after Christmas!
And imagine how sad your parents would have
been if it were you who had to wait. That almost happened! When you were
little, your folks received a text message from Santa saying he was probably
going to be late because Rudolph called in sick just before take-off. That meant there might not be any treats to feed you. Because they loved you, your parents hurried out to buy food
and a gift so you wouldn't be sad on Christmas Day. By then, however, the only store
that was open was a 7 Eleven. Alas, other parents rushed there as well, and there
was nothing left on the shelves except a box of Corn Flakes, a can of tuna, and
a stack of Slurpee cups. Some Merry Christmas that would be.
Did you ever wonder why
Rudolph has a red nose? It's because he has a drinking habit. He hits the bars early
on December 24, with the objective of getting a nice buzz on. Because he’s a
reindeer, his nose gets very red–much redder than yours when you have a bad
cold. As we have seen, reindeer are not the brightest bulbs in the socket
intelligence-wise. Rudolph should take better care of himself, but occasionally
he gets too drunk to do his job. He retreats to his bed with a splitting
headache, a high temperature, and sore antlers from being bounced out of the
bar. Sometimes he’s so wasted he can’t find his way to the bathroom, let alone
guide a sleigh. Someone needed to save Christmas.
That's exactly what happened. Murray the Auxiliary Reindeer put
on his running shoes, pulled the sleigh, and, sometime during the night made a soft
landing on your roof. Santa jumped down and carried your treats and presents
through the front door. He doesn't really come down the chimney. That's just a
silly story we tell. One of Santa’s elves is a certified locksmith who fashions
a magical skeleton key that fits all the world’s doors. (This makes more sense
than a fat man squeezing down a narrow chimney, don't you think?)
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| Rudolph the Lush |
Murray takes over any time Rudolph gets too drunk to fly and has saved Christmas many times. It makes you wonder why that red-nosed lush Rudolph is so beloved. This Christmas I want you to think about Murray. You can still sing the Rudolph song, but try substituting Murray into the lyrics:
Murray the Auxiliary Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glows….
Sing it the whole way through. Right down to the last line: Murray the Auxiliary Reindeer/You'll go down in history. Ho ho ho! Murray Christmas.
Murray, the Auxiliary Reindeer
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