Among the collateral damage of TV food shows is that foodie
culture has become as trendy as any other form of popular culture–and in some
ways, just as vacuous as the rest of television. Here are some “gourmet” (word
used ironically) trends that should just go away.
1. Food as
architecture. Remember the 1950s TV dinners that came in tin foil trays
with ridges that walled off the potatoes from the peas and the meatloaf? We
should stock restaurants with these so that chefs stop stacking the food.
What am I, six months old? I don’t want my food smushed together so that the
flavors “marry.” (Read: Every bite tastes the same.) Some of us actually like
to taste the distinctiveness of vegetables, or enjoy the mouth feel of buttery
potatoes. Can we please lose the food towers? If not, let’s go the next step
and put everything into a blender and serve it adult-Gerber style.
2. Raspberry has been
done to death. I used to enjoy raspberry picking. I associated it with a
brief moment in summer in which Nature ripened and yielded her bounty. Now I
hate raspberries. Thanks food industry. Raspberry is a very singular taste that
shouldn’t be consumed year ‘round.
Tell that to chefs that put in on everything and proudly taut their raspberry
coulis and raspberry drizzle. It’s as ubiquitous as parsley used to be. Unlike
parsley, you can’t just push it aside and ignore it; raspberry gets into
everything on the plate. I want roast beef au jus, thank you, not roast beef
swimming in strained fruit. And I sure as hell don’t want it drizzled on
chocolate, because...
3. Chocolate doesn’t
need any help. I routinely send back chocolate desserts that come with
unwanted raspberry. I do the same with mint sauce, orange swirls, and other
such unadvertised overkill. You only need to dress up molten-center chocolate
cake or a mousse if the chocolate is crap, in which case the chef should be sent
back! There are just a few ingredients that should ever be mixed with
chocolate. Peanut butter is one. I’ll get back to you with another. I’ve no
objection to a dollop of cream and a strawberry on the side, but if I wanted to
eat the equivalent of Neapolitan ice cream, I would have ordered it.
4. Pomegranate is an
acquired taste. I actually like it, but it’s on its way to becoming the new
raspberry–or so trendsetters would like you to believe. It won’t succeed; as more
people dislike it than enjoy it. So lose it already. Like you did with mango,
the last fruit you told everyone they’d love and they didn’t.
5. Panko is Japanese
for breadcrumbs. Sorry, but I refuse to be impressed by “golden cod
encrusted in panko.” When I was a kid we called that what is: a fried fish
cake. Look up the word panko and it tells you that it’s an “inexpensive filler”
to extend meat and other entrees. It doesn’t say this, but it should; its other
meaning is: “ordinary bread crumbs under a pretentious name that adds 20-30% to
the price of a so-so restaurant offering.”
6. Greek yoghurt is
no better than any other kind. Yes, it has a slightly different texture. It
also tends to be a tad more sour. It’s hyped because it’s strained to remove
more whey, which theoretically makes it healthier. Except that it has way more
calories than fat-free regular yoghurt, which tastes just as good. Mainly Greek yoghurt just costs twice as much.
7. Grapefruit and
beet juice. They are very au courant.
Just two thoughts: You’ve got to be kidding. Why?
8. Coffee and beer
should be flavored with coffee and beer. Infused coffees are like drinking a cup of BeyoncĂ©’s perfume.
I mean it. Hazelnut and other flavored coffees engage my gag reflexes.
Restaurants serving this kind of swill should be required to state so on their
menus. A cup of Maxwell House would be preferable.
I
once enjoyed the occasional seasonal beer flavored with things such as
blueberry or pumpkin. Then a friend bought me a case of blueberry ale and I had
the raspberry reaction. Mainly I just think coffee and beer should be what they
are–not fruit and/or nut delivery devices.
9. Bacon is farm
food. These days the only thing longer than a list of foods with bacon in
them is Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet. Bacon is yummy because it’s mainly salt and
fat. It’s one thing to load up on bacon if you’re a farmer burning a few
thousand calories before noon; it’s another altogether to pig out on bacon if
you’re going to park your fanny on a chair in front of a computer.
Chow
down on artery clogging bacon if you must, but can you please keep it out of
food combos that border on the surreal. Among the weird places it shows up
these days are in ice cream, beer, fudge, vodka, and peanut butter. That’s just
gross!
10. Bring back bread
and water. Enough with the gluten-free diets already. Bread should be eaten
in moderation, but if you eliminate it altogether, you’ll crave it and binge.
Note to restaurants: If you really
want me to order another glass of overpriced wine, bring me some bread so my
body can absorb the alcohol. And bring some water too, lest the alcohol cause
dehydration. And, no, I won't walk away thinking your establishment is saving the planet because you didn't automatically bring water to the table.