Friends don't let friends steal or eat Marmite.
From Kingsthorpe, England comes to woeful tale of Nicholas Welch recently nabbed for four separate mass heists of Marmite. For those of you living in a state of grace who have no concept of either what Marmite is or the pathetic nature of Welch’s crime, a small primer.

Marmite is a yeast-based product that’s akin to what one might get if one mixed congealed motor oil, library paste, sand, soy sauce, and salt. We’re talking lots of salt—enough salt to de-ice the wintery streets of a small town! For reasons known only to English people and God—though a spokesperson for the Deity admitted that even God has doubts—lots of folks in the British Isles and former colonies like the stuff. One spreads it thinly on toast, flavors cheese sandwiches with it, or dilutes it in water to serve as a hot beverage, presumably in parts of the U.K. where no one has heard of coffee. For most of the non-English world, Marmite is about as vile a substance as can be legally sold as food. To steal Marmite is on par with shoplifting Spam. No—check that; Spam is like prime rib when compared to Marmite.

Welch’s one-man Marmite spree nearly shut down the trade in his area. In total he made off with at least six dozen jars of the brown sludge, forcing some stores to keep it under the counter where they keep things such as Zig-Zag papers for pot smokers. But now he’s been apprehended, Marmite is making its way back onto English shelves and calm has been restored to England’s mountains green and pleasant pastures seen. To Nicholas Welch we offer this free legal advice: seek a change in venue outside of the U.K. and plead insanity. There’s not a jury that would convict you!

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