More Gutless Posturing from Deval Patrick

The Condom that Rocked the Bay State.

The Massachusetts economy has about as much life as Frankenstein before the switch was pulled, and the Republican right has just filibustered away any hope of extending jobless benefits or spending any more stimulus money. So what stirs the passion of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick? Why the condom policy in Provincetown schools, of course!

For those not following Massachusetts politics—known as “Sensible People” in Bay State parlance—Provincetown School Superintendent Beth Singer (formerly Northampton’s head of schools) announced that in the fall, students can request and receive condoms from school nurses. Nurses will give a short spiel on the virtues of abstinence, but cannot refuse to give the condoms and are not allowed to notify parents.

To Christian mullahs across the Bay State the very idea of teens having sex is enough to stir their faith to the point where they take to the airwaves to request more donations for their vacation homes and BMWs—sorry, I meant their missionary efforts. As expected, Republicans jumped all over the issue because the historical record is clear: they never had sex outside of marriage and, of course they want to “empower” parents and “protect” children.

And, like the leaders they are, Democrats pledged to get tough with the P-town Perverts. Somewhere in Washington, DC there is a monument to Lyndon Johnson’s 1964 threat to keep Congress in session all summer unless it passed the Civil Rights Act. It’s there because insofar as anyone can tell, it marked the last time a Democrat took a principled stand on anything. Deval Patrick leapt into the Great Condom Controversy because he knows a bit about screwing people. Ooops, another typo; I meant because he too cares about kids. His stand, he assures us, has nothing to do with the fact that he’s up for reelection in the fall. Deval—and I’m still researching this, but I’m pretty sure the name derives from a defunct Saxon patois and means ‘Pandering Yuppie from the Berkshires’—wants the Provincetown policy reversed and has pledged to do everything in his power to make this happen. Here’s how much clout he has: none.

That’s right. School boards are locally controlled. If P-town residents dislike Singer or the policy they can dump her and reverse the policy, but school boards set their own policy and raise their own funds. Did I mention that Provincetown is probably the gayest town in America and one of its richest? The local response thus far has been a tweak to not give condoms to those younger than fifth graders. If that seems callous, let me remind you of what none of the political points-scorers will tell you.

When I was a high school teacher in Vermont I used to beg the nurse’s office to keep condoms on hand, not because I wanted to promote promiscuity—the Republican mantra—but because I was tired of seeing kids’ lives ruined. I saw dozens of teen mothers leave school and forced into shotgun marriages that had as much of a chance of surviving as a hairless Chihuahua in the winter woods. You can call the Provincetown policy disturbing; I call it realistic. Of course there’s no parental notification! What? Suzy’s going to go home and say, “Mom, I want to do the nasty with that guy you don’t like. Can you please write me a nurse’s note for some condoms? A gross should do us.” Sure—that will happen. Just like the GOP insistence that making contraceptives difficult to obtain will deter teenagers from having sex. That worked so well for all of us, didn’t it? We were all virgins when we married, right? I distinctly remember finding it oh-so-easy to control my hormones when I was a teen and I’m sure you did too. Can I gently suggest that hypocrisy undermines parental influence more than a basket of condoms?

Let’s get real. Have you ever heard of a teen having this revelation: “Gee whiz. I was going to have sex with Suzy, but when the nurse wouldn’t give me a condom I thought about how immoral it would be not to save myself until I get married. Gosh! I’m so glad I waited.” Here’s what I take away from Rubbergate—I wish there was a prophylactic that kept political opportunists from procreating. Oh, and one more thing: it gave me another reason not to vote for Republicans and Democrats. Come fall, those of us who cast votes for the Green Party might be last virgins in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.