Tea Party Seeks Merger with Boko Haram

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 Will these two groups soon be wearing the same uniform? 

In a move variously described as "shocking," "promising," and "just plain nuts," the Tea party has announced its intention to merge with the radical Nigerian Islamist group Boko Haram. "It just makes sense," said Tea Party spokesman Attila Farr-Wright. "We have so much in common. We both hate women, Jews, fornicators, and popular culture. We certainly support Boko Haram's idea that girls don't need to be educated in order to serve men, which they're supposed to do. It says that right in the Bible. And we've got to hand it to them–that idea of kidnapping young girls and marrying them off to older men is simply brilliant. An idea like that would go down a storm with key Tea Party constituencies in places such as West Virginia, South Carolina, and Kentucky." 

Farr-Wright's comments drew a sharp rebuke from Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky, who noted that some of the girls recently kidnapped by Boko Haram were only 9-years-old. "No good Kentuckian supports marriage unless the girl is at least 11," said an angry Paul. House Majority Leader John Bonehead initially refused to condemn the merger, saying he preferred to take a "look-and-see position, like I do with everything that could jeopardize my reelection." When told that President Obama called the proposed merger "barbaric, misogynist, and immoral" Representative Bonehead shifted gears and remarked, "Obama's denunciation of the merger is just another example of his extremist socialistic agenda. If this merger had been in effect earlier, we could have avoided the Benghazi scandal he's trying to cover up."

The proposed merger has met with less enthusiasm with Boko Haram. "They must accept Islam, or we will cut off the heads of these infidels," said Boko Hara leader Muhammad al-Porkaar. Al-Porkarr added that pictures he has seen of Tea Party evangelical women "validates our belief that women should be encased in burqas that cover every square centimeter."  Farr-Wright dismissed Boko Haram threats as "a small bump on the road to the mutual goal of the total subjugation of women. We can teach them a few things that haven't occurred to them yet, such as sticking probes into women's vaginas. And we both support the idea that government ought to be a theocracy. I'm sure that once they hear about Jesus they will fall to their knees and become Christians."

Fox News reported that all Boko Haram members have already converted. When informed this had not, in fact, occurred, Fox News Minister of Propaganda Bill O'Reillahann refused to retract the story and blamed the rest of the "liberal media" for failing to adhere to Fox's "fair and balanced standards." In related news, Ann Coulter announced she is happy to don a burqa. "Anything to derail the radical feminist lesbian agenda," said Ms. Coulter. "Plus this gets me back in the news. A lot of people mistakenly think I died."

The National Organization of Women (NOW) decried the merger as "the internationalization of the war on women," according to NOW spokeswoman Hope Leslie Bourgeois. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), however, reacted with glee. "This is fantastic news," said ACLU Vice President Eugene Debs Baldwin. "Who could ask for more than to put two no-compromise Troglodyte hate groups in the same place? With any luck at all they'll slaughter each other like gumps clucking down the Perdue assembly line. I can't wait to see the look on Tea Party faces when they realize that Boko Haram aren't white people."

Secretary of State John Kerry was unavailable for comment. According to State Department Press Secretary I. M. Waffling, Mr. Kerry was too busy not articulating any specific policy on numerous other issues to not comment on the Tea Party/Boko Haram merger.

The Tea Party plans a June 1 festive kickoff celebration to launch the alliance at Stone Mountain, Georgia. Jerry Lee Lewis is among the scheduled performers.