NRA's New Plan in Light of Isla Vista Murders

In a statement that surprised even some ardent defenders of the Second Amendment, National Rifle Association spokesman Trigg R. Happy seized upon the May 23 Isla Vista, California murders to issue a wake-up call to gun owners. "I'm sick of all the liberal namby-pambies calling for gun control," said Happy. "Hell's bells, three of them seven people what died in California was stabbed. That's unacceptable." Happy went on to call gunman Eliot Rodger a "weenie" for stabbing three of the victims. According to Happy, "A real man woulda used a big f'in' gun. I think Rodger killed hisself with a gun outta shame for not shootin' the other three."

Happy also called upon NRA members to "pick up the pace." He cited statistics that showed that in the past three decades "only 335,609 'Muricans has been murdered by guns. Dammmit, that's only the population of St. Louis, Nebraska," said Happy, who mislocated Missouri's largest city. He also expressed outrage that there have been only 70 mass shootings since 2000. "They's more n' 19,000 cities, towns, n' villages in this here nation and just a few of 'em have had mass shootins.' What's wrong with NRA members? I think they's been pussywhipped by lib'rals and feminazis. Well I'm here to say, 'Wake up people. Commence a-shootin be4 them comminis' Obama-lovin' lib'rals takes away yer guns.' Ev'ry town in Murica needs a good killin' or two to make foolish non-gun owners realize if they ain't packin,' they ain't breathin'."

Happy was immediately invited to appear on Fox News' Sean Insanity's show to promote his views on "true Americanism." To represent the position of kneejerk liberals, the Insanity Show has also invited Sunshine Getalong of the Peace, Rainbows, and Cuddly Puppies Coalition to make a plea that we all hug and seek to understand each other.

In other news, Fairness in Media issued an independent report. According to Cameron Greenroom, a lowly intern with FIM, "Our report shows that there is some validity in the NRA's allegation. Each day about 38 Americans die from gunshot wounds. But people forget that there are 314,000,000 people in this country. That means that every day 313,999,962 people are not murdered by guns." NRA President Bob "Dead Eye" Wuntooth responded to the FIM statement by remarking, "That's what I'm talkin' about Them numbers is way to [sic] low. We kin do better as a nation."

But are there holes in the NRA ranks? Not all gun owners agree with the NRA's position. "I've been huntin' for 50 years," said former Vice President Dick Cheney, "and I've shot just the one person." A survey of imprisoned U.S. gun murderers indicated that 73% of them were "satisfied" with their output, and had "little or no desire" to shoot anyone else. In a chilling side note, though, former New England Patriots football player Aaron Hernandez said he "wouldn't mind putting a few more in the [rifle] sites."

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