Southcentral Pennsylvania versus Western Massachusetts

Scrapple. 

 

The official bug of New England.

 

I will take a break from October’s trip to France for a digression to last week’s trip to Southcentral Pennsylvania. I’ll spare you the details, but circumstances led us to consider whether we’d ever move back to Pennsylvania. I didn’t think so, as we’ve spent the past 47 years as New Englanders. We’ve also spent a lot of time in Pennsylvania because we had many (and still have a few) relatives in the Keystone State. The semi-scientific way was to consider the two (sort of) objectively. For comparison’s sake, PA means Southcentral Pennsylvania from greater Harrisburg/Lancaster to the Maryland line and MA means Massachusetts west of Worcester to the Berkshires.

 

1. Scenery

 

Both states have beautiful areas and depressing spots. Although I am enamored of the Connecticut River Valley, PA has a lot of active farms that afford sweeping vistas. As a result it feels less cramped than Western MA towns that run into each other and close-to-the-road forests.

 

Winner: PA

 

2. Susquehanna or Connecticut River

 

At 444 miles the Susquehanna is the longest river east of the Mississippi; the Connecticut is the longest in New England at 407 miles. The Susquehanna dumps into Chesapeake Bay and the Connecticut into Long Island Sound. The Susquehanna is deeper as well (>200’ at its greatest depth vs. about 130’ for the Connecticut) but because the Susquehanna also has numerous shallow sections, most of it is not navigable. The Connecticut has been a working river for boats, water power, and fishing.

 

Winner: Toss-up. What’s your watery pleasure?

 

3.  Boston or Philadelphia

 

In Benjamin Franklin’s time Philly would have won by a landslide. I regret to inform you that Ben has been moldering in the ground since 1790. Boston has been called the American Athens for its vibrant intellectual life that includes more colleges than any other U.S. city. Western MA isn’t far behind. The Five Colleges (UMass, Amherst, Smith, Mt. Holyoke, Hampshire) have more than 30,000 students and adjacent Springfield 13,000 more. If you extend it to Hartford, CT (26 miles) it balloons to 170,000. Young people make the area more vibrant and (to some extent) recession-proof. Of course, all cities have urban challenges such as crime, but Boston is much safer than Philly and Springfield/Holyoke is safer than Harrisburg.

 

Winner: MA by a sizable margin.

 

 

4. Cultural Life:

 

Both Philly and Boston have cultural opportunities and, as a fan of art, their respective museums of fine arts are wonderful. However, Western MA has tons more art museums (the Clark, the Springfield Quadrangle, and the Norman Rockwell to mention just three). It is a center for independent music, folk and jazz clubs, theatre, classical music, and high-end galleries.

 

Winner: MA

 

5. Friendliness:

 

PA by a mile.  As an old joke goes, “It’s untrue that New Englanders aren’t friendly. We’d tell you if your feet were on fire. If’n you asked.” We make friends slowly and selectively. Once you are a friend, we are very loyal and go out of our way to make sure your tootsies aren’t aflame, but until then you’re on your own.

 

Winner: PA

 

6.  Tolerance and religion:

 

The corollary to #5 is that Pennsylvanians are much more likely to be judgmental. Folks in MA tend toward an MYOB (mind your own business) attitude. Gay, straight, trans, socialist, pro-choice …. Far fewer care in MA. I’ve interviewed conservatives up this way who have told me, “They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them.”

 

In MA, the first comment upon meeting someone is either, “Tell me about yourself,” or “What do you do?” In PA it’s “What church do you go to?” Not all of PA is like that, but there’s an old saw about PA that says it’s Philly in the east, Pittsburgh in the west, and Alabama in the middle. I grew up in the Alabama part, home of anti-choice activists. Heaven help you if try to proselytize in MA. At best you’ll get an “I’m not interested.” From there is goes downhill to “MYO F-in’ B,” or a door slammed in your face. Also, PA has tons of non-aligned churches; MA runs the gamut from Congregationalists and Quakers to Buddhists and Wiccans.

 

Winner: MA

 

7.  Politics and sports:  

 

That’s not to say MA citizens don’t get riled. In Western MA politics are as much a contact sport as ice hockey. MA is a deep blue state in which the GOP almost disappears. If we elect a GOP governor it’s because the occasional Democrat is so loathsome we hold our noses and vote against them. We also tend to follow politics as deeply as Pennsylvanians follow sports like football.

 

In Western MA we have a weird relationship to sports. UMass football is the worst program in America. The Patriots get some notice, but the Red Sox are a religion. It’s odd, though, because Western MA hates most things about Boston except the Sox, Pats, Bruins, and Celtics. I’m a Yankees fan, so I’ve learned to hold my tongue. That said, I’m a democratic socialist and the place in PA where I once lived is so Republican it went well over 80% for Trump.

 

Winner: MA.  

 

8.  Transportation:

 

MA has pretty decent public transport, whereas Southcentral PA has nearly none beyond Amtrak and you have to go to Harrisburg to get that. It’s a good thing we have public transport because there’s a reason why MA drivers are called “Massholes.” We are the worst! If you’re ever driving in MA and see a car or two or three to your left or right, don’t wonder if they are going to pull out in front of you. They will! Do not fall for the deception that stopped vehicles have yielded the right of way. They are merely doing Massmath and calculating how close you can get to them to generate the most anger before they pull out and you have to stand on the brakes to avoid a crash. If you have the temerity to blow your horn, they will flash the middle digit.

 

Winner: PA despite walls of trucks and slow traffic around Allentown, Easton, Harrisburg, Lancaster, Reading, and rinky-dink places you’ve never heard of.

 

9.  Beaches:

 

Winner: MA because a beach in PA is called New Jersey, whereas MA has the North Shore, the South Shore, and The Cape. (We never say, “Cape Cod;” it’s always “The Cape.”

 

10. Food and Beverages:

 

Call it MA gourmet vs. PA gourmand. PA food is heavy, starchy, and supersized. Many people in MA grow herb gardens; in PA the only spices are salt, pepper, and maybe cinnamon. They also eat things like scrapple, mincemeat, and hog maw. Don’t ask; you don’t want to know! New Englanders have fresh seafood; Pennsylvanians rubbery facsimiles from Red Lobster. (They don’t even have the grace to pronounce it properly. It's “lobstah.”)

 

PA coffee is an abomination to God and humankind. It resembles coffee only in that it’s brown. MA has cafes that grind freshly roasted beans and skillful baristas who serve works of art.

 

PA “beer” means Rolling Rock, Iron City, or Budweiser. MA mainstream beer is Sam Adams, but it seems as if every town and hamlet has at least one microbrewery. I enjoy trying stuff that doesn’t have to be chilled to Arctic levels to mask their lack of taste. 

 

MA has Herrell's ice cream; PA has Turkey Hill. What does a fowl know about ice cream?  

 

PA does have much better fresh fruit. I’m amused when people up here get excited about local peaches that are about the size of what is removed to create a steer. MA cherries aren’t much better. But MA veg is superior. Butter and sugar corn is delish; PA yellow corn is starch on a stick. Hadley asparagus is the best on the planet and we know that green vegetables should be, well… green, not pressure-cooked gray. We also love arugula, which some in PA think is a type of Chevrolet.

 

Winner: MA

 

11.  Taxes

 

MA has been nicknamed “Taxachusetts,” which isn’t actually true. PA residents also hate taxes. Show of hands for anyone who just loves to pay taxes.

 

Winner: Toss-up. If you want services and schools, ya’ gotta pay for ‘em. We just make ourselves feel better if we vent about them.

 

12. World views:

 

I’ll be partly charitable on this. In PA, folks  think the key to happiness is family and owning stuff. In MA we are happiest when we are with friends and are doing stuff. 

 

However, Pennsylvanians simply don’t get irony. Faced with irony the faces are either blank because they don’t get it, or because they confuse irony with sarcasm. Not so. Sarcasm is a reflexive act; irony is premeditated, conscious, and intellectual. It is intended to be humorous commentary on the gap between what is commonly believed and reality.

 

Winner: MA because I simply don’t know how one can live without irony!  

 

If you do the tally, you’ll know why I call myself a New Englander. No irony intended. Had I added a weather category, PA might have won, though with climate change that’s less true than it used to be. You can call that tragic irony.

 

Rob Weir

 

How to Break Bad Political Habits

 

By now you’ve probably digested the news that of the eight Democratic Senators who caved in to give Republicans the votes necessary to end the government shutdown. The enduring question is why? The eight– seven Democrats and one Independent who caucuses with the Democrats–can offer all of the disingenuous justifications they want, but the bottom line is that they have handed Trump a major political victory which he will use to blame the crisis on Democrats and liberals. The Disloyal Eight may have sandbagged next year’s midterm elections. The only partial victory the Democrats might have wrangled is a continuation of SNAP benefits. That is if:

 

·      The House agrees to those terms

·      Trump doesn’t throw another wobbly and refuse to sign the bill

 

What was surrendered was a guarantee that the Affordable Care Act would remain in place. Even SNAP could go away as its funding under the (ahem!) compromise bill covers only the period between November 2025 and the end of 2026.

 

I’ve watched the Democratic Party my entire life and it hasn’t inspired substantial confidence or hope since the end of Lydon Johnson’s administration. Oh sure, millions joyfully celebrated the kumbaya election of Barack Obama, the last morally upright president, a man too decent to do things he could’ve done, like make a recess appointment of a new Supreme Court justice when Anton Scalia died. He bet that Hillary Clinton would become president, but we know how that turned out. Instead of the moderate Merrick Garland we ended up with Neil Gorsuch, one of the SCOTUS “originalists” who see the Founders as infallible crystal ball gazers.

 

If you are a Democrat, it’s time to face the music; your party is as outdated as a 1967 Studebaker. As I frequently note, its singular talent is the ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Where’s the pulse? Well, there’s Bernie Sanders, a democratic socialist, his mentee AOC, and rising star Zohran Mamdani, also a democratic socialist. None of them are mainstream Democrats and Bernie is 81. In all candor, the Democrats are in serious need of a remake represented by 30-somethings like AOC and Mamdani.

 

Let’s look at Democrats who voted with the GOP. If you know this, skip to the end to see what I propose.

 

Angus King (78). He’s an indie but don’t think Bernie Sanders; Maine has odd electoral districting and often splits its electoral votes. King is a lawyer, a two-time governor, and a classic middle of the roader. He leans liberal, but just barely. He won’t be up for reelection until 2030, by which time he’ll be in his 80s.

 

Catherine Cortes Masto (58) and Jacky Rosen (65) are both from Nevada. Let’s call their votes what they are: Senators protecting Nevada tourism. Neither is up for reelection soon. They are concerned about airports shutting down. They’d rather deal with the potential collapse of the ACA than a decline in visitors to Vegas and Reno.

 

Jeanne Shaheen (75) and Maggie Hassan (64) are from New Hampshire, and you might think they’d favor a shutdown as the unofficial state motto is “We aren’t like Massachusetts.” Hassan says her vote was to save SNAP benefits, which would sound more principled were NH not a state currently funding SNAP. Shaheen has called for an extension of ACA. Good luck getting it. What she meant to say is that she’s up for reelection next year and will face John Sununu. For some reason people in NH love the Sununu family like little kids love monsters.

 

Speaking of reelection, Illinois Senator Dick Durbin (78) wants another term. You could look at the second most powerful Senate Democrat (after Chuck Schumer) and think “player.” Do Illini really want to give Durbin another term? He’d be pushing 85 at the end of it.

 

Tim Kaine (64) of Virginia is another self-interest vote. After all, Virginia has close to 400,000 federal workers once you count Department of Defense jobs, those on active military duty, and non-military support staff. He is on record of saying he “doesn’t care” if his colleagues are mad at him. This from the man who did Hillary Clinton zero good as her 2016 running mate.

 

John Fetterman (53) of Pennsylvania would normally be a strong presidential contender. Except many in his own party think he’s nuts. That not my slam on him; that’s what they really think. He has had widely reported mental health issues and a stroke. Fetterman is an enigma. At times he channels Bernie; at others he’s as inconsistent as a libertarian. At least he was upfront about his opposition to working without pay. 

 

BREAKING THE HABIT.

 

Republicanism has become the secular religion of conservatives and troglodytes. Democrats are the religion of dreamers without a clue. Party politics are dying and we would do well to pull the life support plug.

 

Here’s how to register your anger about the Great Sellout of 2025: Unenroll in the Democratic Party. Tell the courthouse clerk it’s a protest against machine politics. Most states allow you to request which primary ballot you want, so you can still vote D if you’d like, but “Independent” behind your name lets you avoid a lot of noise. I routinely unsubscribe to emails that try to pigeonhole me and never answer campaign phone calls. When I support someone financially I avoid all official party sites. Vote for younger candidates. A party relying on people my age or (gasp!) older has no future.

 

We Solve Murders: The Start of a New Series?

 

 

 

We Solve Murders (2024)

By Richard Osman

Viking, 381 pages.

★★★★

 

If you’ve been a fan of the Thursday Murder Club novels of Richard Osman, his We Solve Murders has all the earmarks of being the kickoff of a new series. If it is indeed the start—and let’s face it the Murder Club cast is aging out, as it were—you will need to adjust to the fact that thus far the new cast isn’t as adorable as the old one yet. But don’t despair, there’s still a lot of British eccentricity on the pages.

 

Steve Wheeler is a retired cop in Axley whose sole ambition is to wear his vintage rock shirts and loaf away his days. Axley is an invented English village that represents a safe retreat for Wheeler. Steve’s wife Debbie was killed in a train crash years ago, but he still “talks” to her every night. Axley also represents self-imposed isolation. Steve is still in his 50s, but his “activities” are limited to arguing with his pub mates over road routes and taking part in quiz games. His daughter-in-law Amy tries her best to persuade Steve to expand his interests, but he’s not buying it. She runs her own personal protection business to get out of the house because hubby Adam is away on business a lot. Don’t think desk job. Amy is a 5’6” dynamo and woe betide anyone who thinks she’s a pushover. They can contemplate what wrong from a hospital bed! As it happens, Amy and Steve are best buddies, even though she’s all action and he’s trying to be no-action. Amy loves her husband, but neither she nor Steve are cut out for Adam’s business world.

 

Enter Rosie D’Antonio, a famous author living off her reputation. She is classic fading diva who puts the moves on everyone she meets. She has the feeling she is being stalked and hires Amy to investigate and protect her. Amy is reluctant to take the job because she thinks Rosie is imagining things. Maybe. Maybe not. Osman brings us up to the moment with characters using ChatGPT for various reasons.

 

Francois Loubert uses ChatGPT to send impersonal emails because it is hard to trace his IP address and it leaves very few clues of his real identity. As a money smuggler, he has reasons to be incognito. ChatGPT is hard to crack, but not impossible. As Amy investigates, she gets close enough that Loubert or a mysterious “Joe Blow” hires assassins to eliminate her. That’s easier to imagine than to accomplish, but she takes enough lumps that Steve is convinced to join the investigation. After all, he’s much closer to her than he is to his son Adam.  The botched hits are amusing, even when they are gruesome failures.

 

It might be easier to crack were there but one ChatGPT trail and only one connected to Rosie. Osman constructs a convoluted plot. Jeff Nolan is the CEO of Maximum Import Solutions who’d like to know why three of his clients were killed. Is his former partner Henk involved? Is he Loubert? Who is writing emails “in the style of an English gentleman?” Who is “Joe Blow?” Amy and Steve find themselves on a round-the-world trip that begins in England and touches down in South Carolina, Dubai, St. Lucia, Ireland, Fiji, Hawaii, and back in the UK. Sometimes it’s a literal “touch” down.  Amy is as wily as she is wiry. She charms private airport passport control agent Carlos into helping her deceive one pursuer. Among the offbeat characters she and/or Steve meet include dumb-as-an-ox actor Max Highfield; Nolan’s steely secretary Susan Knox, the keeper of company contracts and history; Mickey, a loud-mouthed but laid-back Texan golfer; and Eddie, a fanboy.

 

Do Steve and Amy solve the various mysteries? Given that the two set up a new agency titled We Solve Mysteries, you can rest assured they save their own hides. That doesn’t mean they are always right; after all, Osman’s goal is to entertain, not be Sherlock Holmes. Given the number of loose threads in the plot, Osman wisely avoids any sort of all-roads-lead-to-Rome solution that ties everything together. Sigmund Freud likely never said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” but that adage holds true. Osman gives us an unlikely pairing of a failed retiree and his daughter-in-law, and if that’s not a series setup, I’ll retire my deerstalker cap.

 

Rob Weir