A Devil's Dictionary for College Campuses
Ambrose Bierce was a 19th century journalist known
for his sarcastic Devil's Dictionary.
Bierce didn't give a fig about what people thought when he wielded his
satirical razor to slice into hypocrisy, pretense, or over-refinement.
I've been thinking about Bierce, as the wheel is turning on
college Political Correctness. The University of Chicago launched the first
salvo by advising this fall's students not to expect trigger warnings,
ideological rigidity, or "coddling," the inference being that those
who didn't want to grapple with difficult stuff should go elsewhere. Former
Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, now the president of the University
of California system, worries that campuses have eviscerated free speech, and
quotes former UCal head Clark Kerr: "The University is not engaged in
making ideas safe for students. It is engaged in making students safe for
ideas." She also quotes Thomas Jefferson: "We are not afraid to
follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason
is left free to combat it." Although she's critical of the University
of Chicago's "free speech Darwinism" and frets it could invite
bullying, she's more frightened that, "[W]e have moved from
freedom of speech on campuses to
freedom from speech."
Let's imagine Bierce's take on all of this, a Devil's Dictionary for college campuses.
Spoiler alert for the overly sensitive: This is satire; please Google the word. Or skip to the end to see what I
really believe.
Administrator: A surrogate helicopter parent whose job is
to comfort students whenever challenged by ideas more controversial than the
number of keratin-based protuberances on a unicorn's forehead. They are
expected to fire (immediately!) professors exercising their own rights to free
speech or expressing opinions contrary to those of students.
Ageism: Discrimination against people based upon
their chronological age. This term is never used by anyone under the age of 25,
nor is it applicable to discrimination against those older than 40 (who are
hoarding jobs). Rumor holds that the upper range will extend to 50 within the
next 10 years.
America: The
source of all unfairness and woe among developing
nations–except in those places where America refuses to send troops because
they're engaged in places where they shouldn't be.
Differently Abled: The term for an individual or class of
individuals whose physical, emotional, or mental capacities are different from
those of the privilege-defined mainstream. It is used even if those for whom it
applies despise the term.
Free Speech: The right of faculty to utter officially
sanctioned remarks. Faculty may express themselves with adjectives and colorful
phrases or their choosing–as long as those words don't cause alarm among any
historically oppressed groups. (See below)
Historically Oppressed
Groups: Members of the college
community feeling marginalized for any reason, even if the history of their oppression
dates as recently as Tuesday, like a student group dedicated to saving
wood-boring beetles from habitat shrinkage to due to woodpecker breeding.
Jews: A group it's okay to dislike because Israel
is so mean to Palestinians. Disliking Jews is the only form of discrimination
that's okay other than America and white males.
LGTBQLSMFT: This has
something to do with sexual identity, though some of the letters might be
related to a defunct cigarette ad. Who can keep up? Professors must pay close
attention to this, even if they couldn't care less with whom their students are
sleeping, and even though there has never been a recorded case of a professor
willfully refusing to address students by any damn names they choose. One does
wonder, though, if all this emphasis on sex demeans students identifying as
asexual.
Micro-Aggressions: A charge leveled against professors who say
something that upsets someone not brave or smart enough to challenge it. It
applies even if the professor is proven correct. Micro-aggressions are accumulated
small disturbances in the Happiness Bubble and it doesn't matter if the professor was misunderstood and/or willfully misrepresented because micro-aggressions are passive-aggressive
remarks uttered from privileged spaces. Professors learn of their sins by
reading anonymous student evaluations written mostly by white children from the
upper middle class.
N-Word: The only acceptable way to reference racial
slurs against African Americans. Students cannot even see the actual word–not
even in documents from the past written by identified racists. Scientific
studies–conducted under rigorous conditions in student forums–reveal that
93.47% of all students go into anaphylactic shock if exposed to the word. One should say "N-Word" instead
because, as comic Louis CK revealed, no one ponders what "N-word"
stands for.
Person: Have you been living under a rock? The word
"son" is embedded in this, sexist dog. Use "per," or go to
hell in a specially designed container designed to carry one's
possessions.
Rule of Thumb: No! Pers insist it references an old English
law allowing men to beat their wives with sticks thinner than their thumbs. You
can't use this, even though no such law ever existed and it comes from brewers
digitally testing the mash temperature.
Social Class: A defunct analytical category rendered
useless in 1990, when the last known member of the working class became middle
class. All 318.9 million Americans now belong to the middle class and enjoy
equal access to wealth, property, and life chances–except when race, gender, or
LGTBQLSMFT statuses are involved.
Speech
Codes: A list of things no one can
comment upon because everyone is supposed to pretend they don't see them, like
a per's appearance or what a per is wearing–even if it's a shirt that says: "HEY!!!!
Look at What I'm Wearing!!!!!"
Trigger Warnings: Advising students there might be
something objectionable or unsettling in the material they are about to study.
They come with permission to opt out. Given that pretty much everything taught
in college is challenging, some schools allow students to stay home. Diplomas
are mailed upon receipt of four years' worth of tuition payments.
White Males: A synonym for privilege, wealth, and those
who cause mist of the world's woes. It is assumed that all white males enjoy this
hegemony because that's way easier than unveiling the identities of the 1% who
actually do. Besides, there is no social class (see above).
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Did some of this offend you? Good! Noam Chomsky observed, “
[Even] Goebbels was in favor of free speech for views he liked. So was Stalin.
If you’re really in favor of free speech, then you’re in favor of freedom of
speech for precisely the views you despise. Otherwise, you’re not in favor of
free speech.” Got it?
What I Really Think:
1.
No code can protect against incivility. Bigots
are always one step ahead.
2.
Codes are the refuge of those too lazy to fight
for social justice.
3.
Those who cannot distinguish content from
context shouldn't be in college.
4.
College is not a place to get comfortable. Ideas
exist to unsettle, challenge, and help clarify what we really think about the
world.
5.
That the antidote to hate speech is free speech.
6.
Before slapping a label on others, take a hard
look at your own labeling.
7.
Stupidity and foolishness are found across all of
society. Also wisdom and kindness.
8.
No one has a monopoly on oppression, or a
license to oppress others in the name of one's own oppression.
9.
We'd be better off if we laughed at ourselves
more.
10. The National Park System has been called
America's "best idea," but I think it's free speech.
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