Great news for Downton Abbey fans: ignore the rumors that your favorite show is ending this spring. The anticipation of PBS viewers like you was so enthusiastic that author/upper-class twit Julian Fellowes has decided there will be a Season Seven of Downton Abbey. You'll have to wait a year for the particulars, but my London source Sara Tishes Molesworthy, has provided me with Fellowes' outline treatment for Season Seven. As a public service (to snarks and jokers everywhere), here it is:
Episode One: Lady Mary goes into a snit.
Episode Two: Tired of being falsely accused of killing people, Bates and his wife Anna leave Downton to devote their lives to crime, mayhem, and murder.
Episode Three: Lady Mary goes into a snit like you cannot believe.
Episode Four: Violet, Isobel, and Cora realize that Robert's profligacy has placed them one sacking short of total ruin. Unless they can raise enormous amounts of capital immediately, the estate will be sold to a fish and chips franchiser. Mrs. Patmore helps the three make crystal meth in the downstairs kitchen, which they sell through underworld contacts provided by Bates and Anna.
Episode Five: Thomas is discovered in flagrante delicto with Lady Mary's latest boyfriend and several naked underage stable boys. In disgrace, Thomas buggers off to America, where he becomes a Log Cabin Republican and uses his amoral wiles to amass a fortune selling derivatives and junk bonds. Lady Mary slips into a snit so deep she needs to climb a ladder to spew bile at Lady Edith.
Episode Six: Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes are the proud parents of twins, a little boy whose first words are "How can I be of service mi'lord?" and a daughter strangely born with a key ring dangling from her fisted hand.
Episode Seven: Robert has a thought, which he promptly forgets when he suddenly realizes he owns a dog.
Episode Eight: OMG, Lady Mary has the Mother of all Snits.
Episode Nine: A contract is taken out on Lady Mary's life. The hit is financed largely by Lady Edith, but the entire household contributes a bob or two. Bates and Anna execute Lady Mary, whose body is sold to anatomy students at a medical school in York. Mary's jewels are auctioned off, which provides the downstairs staff with a comfortable retirement. Robert runs Downton into the ground and the grounds become a fox- breeding habitat, and the house a retirement home for aged vegans. News of Mary's death causes the village to burst into gaiety and dance. Robert is forced to secure employment as Mr. Carson's footman.
But wait–it gets better. If you still haven't had enough, Fellowes has announced plans to produce a one-off called Frankensybil with a bewigged Benedict Cumberbatch starring as the reanimated Sybil Crawley. Allen Leech will reprise his role as Tom Branson, this time as an Irishmen with deeply conflicted feelings.