What Will Kill Americans in 2026

 

 

Newest Health Warnings

 

Various health specialists–including those from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Doctors Without Borders, Doctors With Shiny Silver Discs Around Their Necks, and the three people not yet fired at the National Institutes of Health–have issued their annual Report on American health. Here are the top things that will kill Americans in 2026.

 

1. Topping the list is being shot while attempting any sort of conversation with a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent. President Donald Tramp has issued a blanket immunity for all I.C.E. officers who have responded with lethal force. Threats include unfriendly stares in supermarkets, signs at places of worship, mothers sitting in their personal vehicles, and homes devoid of MAGA regalia. The presumption is that all I.C.E. personnel are protecting national security and the dead had it coming.

 

2. Measles: Health and Human Experiments Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. is adamant that vaccinations have killed 9 billion Americans in the past week and he’s doing his best to protect the 11 toothless idiots who think vaccinations are dangerous.

 

3. Classroom Slayings: Insisting that people not guns, kill people, President Tramp has ordered mandatory firearms training for all students and school employees. Doctors warn that young kids love bang-bang sounds, that grade schoolers are notoriously poor shots, and by Friday most teachers are ready to murder someone. They further warn that support and janitorial staff are very likely to frag principals, supervisors, payroll managers, and kids that walk over freshly washed floors.

 

4. Mumps: See Two above.

 

5. Combat Deaths: President Tramp is furious he didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize and has announced plans to declare a Fourth Reich to foist “peace” on the rest of the world. This will involve forced conscription, as an anonymous Tramp D.O.D. official reported that he was “furious” that the U.S. military’s 1.3 million armed personnel were unable to subdue and attack force of four kayakers and a dozen spear fishermen during America’s aborted assault on Greenland. Tramp also announced plans to invade Malta, Gibraltar, Lichtenstein, Andora, and Kiribati as phase one of building the Reich. Some of those countries are alleged to be supplied with robust sticks and “big honking rocks.”

 

6. Hair Dye Poisoning: President Tramp has decreed that all American women will be required to be blonde. Given that Tramp has already dismantled “needless regulations,” doctors warn that several million MAGA women won’t be smart enough to figure out that they are not supposed to drink the hair dye.

 

7. Pogroms: Tramp has proposed a “culling of the herd” hunting season against all Leftists. Details are still being formulated but leaks to the “failing New York Times”  (circulation 11.8 million) claim that the following U.S. citizens are “hiding behind the failing U.S. Constitution” and hence subject to culling: people of color, children born in the U.S. to non-citizens, naturalized citizens who break any law (including littering), non-beef eaters, abortionists, women not wearing government-issued red cloaks, non-Christians, and “radical insurrectionists.” The last group will include: anyone to the left of Stephan Miller, Muslims, non-Republican Jews, anyone wearing Birkenstocks, Californians, Greenpeace supporters, New Englanders, “Save the Whales” communists, and non-heterosexuals. 

 

8. Being pressed to death: In his zealous quest to sleep with more women than Bill Clinton, President Tramp intends to classify any women having intercourse (consensual or forced) with him and complaining about it as a “lying b……s” and subject to the death penalty. Execution will involve Tramp lying atop their naked bodies until they suffocate.

 

9. Death by right-wing shooters, car drivers, and tactical bombers who are in the act of standing their ground and/or protecting the president from “leftists” (see 7 above). Subsections protect patriotic vigilantes who are: engaging in target practice along U.S. borders, are forced to self-protect during “peaceful demonstrations” inside the U.S. Capitol, are being harassed by Black trick-or-treaters, heathens holding placards asserting that Charlie Kirk was a fraud, and leftists whose heckling hurts their feelings.

 

10. Whopping cough, polio, COVID, and 5,000 other preventable diseases such as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Bubonic plague, TB, diphtheria, RSV, monkey pox, chickenpox, flu, or failing to own a gun.  (See Two and Nine above.)