There are many things to admire about the Scots—their music, their sense of humor, world-class whisky, the breathtaking beauty of the Scottish landscape…. I even like haggis, a tasty treat whose enjoyment is best enhanced by asking as few questions as possible about its origins or preparation. But for a people who often pride themselves on being unlike the English, Scots share a barbaric, but universal British custom: the use of toast racks.
For those lucky enough to have never experienced a toast rack, it is a vile instrument of torture worthy of Torquemada and the Spanish Inquisition. It is a series of triangular dividers welded to a steel frame whose sole purpose is to make certain that no piece of warm toast is accidentally ingested anywhere in the British Isles. Insofar as I can tell, Brits live in mortal fear of toast-burn lawsuits because the minute a piece of toast pops up it is sliced on the diagonal and placed on the toast rack. There it sits until two or three other pieces of bread undergo similar treatment and the rack is filled. It then cools in the kitchen while the rest of breakfast is prepared and the full rack is then ceremoniously delivered to the table with your meal. If the cook has done his or her job properly the toast will be the temperature of a granite slab in February.
But wait; it gets worse. Scottish baked goods are so scrumptious that they almost single-handedly redeem Scotland’s (well-earned) reputation as culinary purgatory. Go to a bakery and all manner of wholemeal, granary, and multigrain breads line the shelves. Which begs the question of why toast rack offerings are always bland white slices that make Wonderbread seem a gourmet food. If you’re lucky, one of the cold wedges will be “brown bread,” a generic term for any toast a shade darker than Casper the Friendly Ghost. One theory is that most brown bread is actually white bread upon which tea has been spilled.
Isn’t there some obscure codicil of the Geneva Convention that covers toast abuse? If we have petitions to ban landmines, why not toast racks? The very existence of the toast rack makes mockery of the claim that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Ban them now and make the Brits adjust. I suggest small plates with bright red warning labels: “CAUTION! Toast May be Warm!!!”--LV
For those lucky enough to have never experienced a toast rack, it is a vile instrument of torture worthy of Torquemada and the Spanish Inquisition. It is a series of triangular dividers welded to a steel frame whose sole purpose is to make certain that no piece of warm toast is accidentally ingested anywhere in the British Isles. Insofar as I can tell, Brits live in mortal fear of toast-burn lawsuits because the minute a piece of toast pops up it is sliced on the diagonal and placed on the toast rack. There it sits until two or three other pieces of bread undergo similar treatment and the rack is filled. It then cools in the kitchen while the rest of breakfast is prepared and the full rack is then ceremoniously delivered to the table with your meal. If the cook has done his or her job properly the toast will be the temperature of a granite slab in February.
But wait; it gets worse. Scottish baked goods are so scrumptious that they almost single-handedly redeem Scotland’s (well-earned) reputation as culinary purgatory. Go to a bakery and all manner of wholemeal, granary, and multigrain breads line the shelves. Which begs the question of why toast rack offerings are always bland white slices that make Wonderbread seem a gourmet food. If you’re lucky, one of the cold wedges will be “brown bread,” a generic term for any toast a shade darker than Casper the Friendly Ghost. One theory is that most brown bread is actually white bread upon which tea has been spilled.
Isn’t there some obscure codicil of the Geneva Convention that covers toast abuse? If we have petitions to ban landmines, why not toast racks? The very existence of the toast rack makes mockery of the claim that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Ban them now and make the Brits adjust. I suggest small plates with bright red warning labels: “CAUTION! Toast May be Warm!!!”--LV
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1 comment:
I live in the UK and toast racks are ONLY ever used when visiting US tourists appear - causing them to write these things down.
Oddly I haven't seen any white bread since I was last in S Dakota.
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