Iron Sky: Terrible Movie, but Great Camp!

 

 

 

 

IRON SKY (2012/2019)

Directed by Timo Vourensola

Walt Disney Studio Motion Pictures, 111 minutes, R (language, violence?)

★★ (but four stars for camp)

 

There’s no quiz to follow, but see if you can follow this. The 2019 movie Iron Sky is based on a 2012 movie in Finnish directed by Timo Vourensola. It never made it to the United States, but it was made into a video game and sequel that got a lot of play (as it were). They, in turn, spawned a crowdfunding campaign to get the movie into theaters overseas. Iron Sky hit North America in 2019 and promptly bombed!

 

Iron Sky was marketed as a sci-fi action comedy. It might have been better to call it comedy and camp. As a movie, Iron Sky makes schlock master Ed Wood’s 1957 Plan 9 from Outer Space look like 2001: A Space Odyssey. It involves space Nazis who fled to the dark side of the moon after their defeat in 1945. There’s no explanation of how they built their space compound, but it’s best not to waste time trying to figure it out. For our purposes we can assume that Doktor Richter (Tilo Prückner), an Albert Einstein parody, had something to do with it. Current Führer Wolfgang Kortzfleisch (Udo Kier) has been watching Earth during the brief moment in which the dark side of the moon is lighted. He knows that two Americans are on their way to investigate their area and sends several troopers to intercept them. When a white astronaut resists, he is killed, though they are uncertain what to do with the jive-talking, decidedly non-Aryan James Washington (Christopher Kirby).

 

Meanwhile, back at die ranch, we meet Klaus Adler (Götz Otto), a dunderheaded Nazi fanatic who dreams of becoming Führer, of marrying Richter’s daughter Renate (Julie Dietze), and of home-growing a herd of little Nazis. Renate makes all the right noises, but she knows a 5-watt bulb when she sees one. She also develops the hots for Washington and is fascinated by his black skin. Adler would happily dispatch Washington, but first he needs to learn about Washington’s iPhone, which might have the computing power that will make the giant Nazi Götterdämmerung (twilight of the gods) attack ship into an invincible weapon. Washington gets another break when its battery dies, but there’s always his iPad to consider. Instead, Adler uses drugs to albinize Washington. Like most of the Nazi “advances,” it makes Washington only marginally Aryan, more grey than white. Adler eventually assassinates Kortzfleisch to become Führer and orders preparations for an invasion of Earth.

 

If you have any doubts left whether Iron Sky was intended to be a parody, we find out that U.S. president Stephane Powell–a dead ringer for Sarah Palin–concocted the entire moon landing as part of marketing scheme to get her reelected so she can continue to use workout machines on taxpayer dollars. She is roughly as stupid and arrogant as Adler, and her Secretary of Defense is dumber still. Plus, it’s all about harvesting helium-3 from the moon. When the UN has the audacity to complain–the Russian delegate throws his shoes–a takedown of Nikita Khruschev’s famed shoe-banging meltdown at the U.N. in 1960–the U.S. claims everything belongs to them. (There is a funny putdown of North Korean threats involved in all of this nonsense.)  

 

What ensues is something short of The War of the Worlds that looks like a steampunk invasion by a Nazi fleet of zeppelins, Richter’s flying saucer, and a rush to engage or sabotage the Götterdämmerung. Alt.history further abounds in that the U.S. arsenal is headed by the starship U.S.S. George W. Bush. Figures change sides, but Renate sees beyond his albinizing and retains her hots for James Washington.

 

Who wins? Well, that’s not the point. Director Vourensola lifted ideas from war movies, 1950s Japanese sci-fi, Buck Rogers, Star Trek, and anything else that wasn’t welded in place. The entire story is ridiculous. Even the Götterdämmerung looks like something Terry Gilliam cooked up for Brazil (1985). In sum, Iron Sky is a terrible movie, but it’s bad enough to be classic B-movie camp. You could do worse than to invite your silliest friends over for beer, junk food, and hoots. Pair it with Space 9 and you will need to detox for at least a month before tackling any sort of serious film.

 

Rob Weir

 

Jupiter Ascending to Bad Film Status

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JUPITER ASCENDING (2015)

Directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski

Warner Brothers, PG-13 (dorsal nudity), 127 minutes)

★★

 

Although it’s baffling to consider, some sci-fi hipster critics liked Jupiter Ascending when it debuted. Very few others in North America agreed. I suspect the fans of this piece of space dreck convinced themselves that Lana and Lilly Wachowski were real directors rather than two trans-women pulling the wool over their eyes. (The Wachowskis also ruined Cloud Atlas and much of The Matrix series.)

 

I’ll attempt to untangle the plot, though I’m not sure it can be done. It opens in Chicago where Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) has a shitty job. Literally. She cleans toilets and does housekeeping for hire. As for her name, she has fond memories of her father showing her his telescope and her favorite planet was Jupiter. (Isn’t that an ex post facto explanation?) When he died (was harvested?) Jupiter’s Russian-American family descended to life’s margins. They are so cash-poor that she tries to sell her eggs for cash. Jupiter is strapped onto a gurney and surrounded by nurses-not-nurses. They are actually “Keepers” trying to kill her because her genetic signature makes her the heir to the throne of Abrasax.

 

Forget Genesis or evolution; Earth was actually seeded by transhuman aliens from Jupiter embroiled in an inheritance squabble. Balem (a creepy, pasty Eddie Redmayne) gets the business empire; Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) is given two planets, and Titus (Douglas Booth) blows his inheritance on a fancy spaceship. The transhumans look human, but they have special powers and have developed a youth elixir that gives them the ability to step into a pool wrinkled and step out youthful. They only die if they choose to or if they are murdered, the fate of the last queen of the House of Abrasax. This would have been Jupiter’s fate as well, were it not for the intervention of Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) an ex-military “Hunter” who rescues her before whirling blades carved her into pieces. (Shades of Perils of Pauline,” 1914!)

 

Why would a genetically-modified Hunter swoop in with a flying device that’s a cross between Timberlakes and an invisible surfboard? Apparently, Caine once had a pair of wings that were cut off for insubordination. At least that’s the backstory. Everyone wants Queen Jupiter and are willing to cut a deal. Balem especially desires her as he has a marry/kill/inherit plan to harvest Earth to build a reserve of youth serum. (Don’t ask, but it’s a bit like Soylent Green, 1973.)  Did I mention the talking, flying carnivorous dinosaurs? I suppose they are there to remind us that humans aren’t as smart or as evolutionarily advanced as we think we are. But my money is on dinosaurs as toss-ins for the special effects (by John Gaeta) that most viewers find impressive. But don’t despair, the plot gets worse.

 

For some reason, though Caine’s training is supposed to make him immune, he is attracted to Jupiter. She is certainly coming on to him. It’s his biceps, I think. Caine tries to hide Jupiter on Earth at the home of another de-winged Hunter, Stinger Apini (Sean Bean). Of course, if the House of Abrasax found her genetic signature on Earth once, they can do it again, so the entire sequence serves only to bring Stinger into a Hunter buddy picture (after a fistfight, of course) and for Jupiter to discover that she can control bees. Cue Aegis International, a galactic law enforcement group, with a spaceship whose captain (Nikki Amuka-Bird) commands with the coolness and authority of James Tiberius Kirk. The goal is to seek sanctuary in one of Kalique’s planets, but for reasons that warped past me, they end up on Jupiter again where Balem tries first to shotgun-marry Jupiter–he is holding her family hostage and has imprisoned Caine–but you can write the cliched ending from here. Especially if you’ve seen the ending of the first Superman movie.

 

The special effects and cinematography of John Toll are pretty neat, even in service of a very bad movie. For some reason, the Wachowskis pegged Jupiter Ascending a “space opera.” I only get that if they meant that the girl ends up with the right guy, but wouldn’t that make it a “space romance?” It takes itself far too seriously to be camp. Let’s call it a “friggin’ mess” and be done with it. Awards? Eddie Redmayne got a Golden Raspberry for Worst Supporting Actor. In 2015, Jupiter was trounced by a SpongeBob sequel at the box office.

 

Rob Weir

 

 

The Godfather Reconsidered

I planned to post this last Friday, but how does review three of the greatest American films ever made: the Godfather trilogy (Paramount Pictures)–made by director Francis Ford Coppola. Collectively they cost about $74 million to make and raked in over $800 million worldwide. They also garnered 28 Oscar nominations.

Everyone from Cicero (first century AD) on has proclaimed, …there is honor among thieves,” but The Godfather casts doubt on that. The films hold up well, even though it’s rare these days to hear much about the Mafia, aka/ La Cosa Nostra (“Our Thing”).

Godfather One (175 minutes, R, ★★★★★) came out in 1972 with the impact of a machine gun fired on a crowded street. If you’ve ever wondered why Marlon Brando was such a big deal, see this film. Brando took the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Vito Corleone, the head (Don) of the Five Families crime syndicate in New York. All three films are a family affair; check the casts and you’ll find numerous people with the surname of Coppola.

The films’ Corleone family was based upon the Luciano family headed in New York by Frank Costello. Vito is in the twilight of his life, though he worries over who should head the family in the future. Frederico (“Fredo”/John Cazle) is the second oldest son, but has been given the job of go-fer because he doesn’t have enough grey matter. The first baton passes to the volatile “Sonny” (James Caan) who doesn’t understand his father’s patience-then-vengeance strategy. Vito dotes over younger brother Michael (Al Pacino) whom he hopes will go to college and make the Corleone family respectable. He does, however, have reservations about his girlfriend Kay Adams (Diane Keaton) who isn’t Italian.

Vito knows that Virgil Sollozzo (Al Lettieri) is pushing for the Godfather’s blessing to go into selling narcotics, but Corleone disapproves of the activity. This makes him an obstacle for the Tattaglia family. Disputes such as this generally begin with a summit meeting followed by gang warfare. Intrigue begins during the wedding of Connie Corleone (Talia Shire) to a wise guy. Even as Johnny Fontane (Al Martino) croons amidst the blue hairs and Mama Corleone (Mary King) tries to keep a watchful eye upon events, Vito huddles with Tom Hagen (Robert Duvall), his consiglieri and an unofficially adopted Corleone. When the dust settles, Michael’s college dreams fall apart because family honor demands it. Michael cleans up the Tattaglia mess, but because he dispatched crooked cop Captain McCluskey (Sterling Hayden) Michael is sent to Sicily to hide until things settle down. He even acquires an Italian wife who becomes collateral damage before his return and marriage to Kay.

The Godfather has the complexity of a Greek tragedy. A lot of chances are taken, most of which were blood-soaked successes. Note that Pacino and Duvall went on to glory, but were relative unknowns at the time. The film won 7 Oscars with Coppola and novelist Mario Puzo sharing one for Best Adapted Screenplay. In most lists, Godfather I trails only Citizen Kane as the greatest American drama of all time. By the way, one of the film’s assassinations pays homage to Arthur Penn’s Bonnie and Clyde (1967).  

 

 

Godfather Two (1974, 200 minutes, R, ★★★ ½) is often considered a continuation of the 1972 film. Many critics declared it superior to the first film. IMHO, it’s the weakest of the three. Oscars are often meted out to those who should have won for previous films. Coppola won two more Oscars, his father Carmine won for Best Dramatic Score, and Robert DeNiro got a Best Supporting Actor statue for his role as both Tom Hagen and as Vito Corleone in his twenties. Ironically, Godfather II is mostly about Michael’s rise to the Mob throne but Al Pacino did not win an Oscar for any of the three films, possibly because he was competing against himself as Best Actor. (He was also nominated for Dog Day Afternoon.)

Coppola did something daring in the second film; he made it both a prequel and a sequel. It cuts back and forth between the 1920s and 1958-63. We discover that Vito Andolini was born in the Sicilian town of Corleone. Nine-year-old Vito fled Sicily for New York in 1901, because Mafiosi Don Cicci (Joe Spinell) killed the rest of his family. He bore the name Corleone after Ellis Island officials confused his birthplace and surname. Vito survived in the streets by theft, but becomes a person of substance when he kills Don Fanuci (a wonderfully bombastic Gastone Moschin), a local neighborhood fixer. He also marries and fathers Sonny (James Caan), Fredo (John Cazale), and Michael (Pacino). Connie was born on a ship back to America. In 1922, Vito and his associates go back to Sicily, ostensibly to get Cicci’s blessing for an olive oil export business. Cicci is old and doesn’t recognize Vito but learns just before Vito disembowels his family’s killer.

The sequel parts follow Michael’s reluctant rise to his apex power. He has enterprises in both Cuba just before Castro’s 1959 takeover and at Lake Tahoe. You might need a scorecard to keep track of who is loyal to the Corleone family and who is feigning friendship in the hope of supplanting Michael. Several powerful enemies emerge in this cat-and-mouse game: the Pentangeli family, Jewish mobster Hyman Roth (Lee Strasberg), and others. Michael’s plans for going legit–including promises made to his wife Kay (Diane Keaton) get lost in bloodshed, Congressional investigations into organized crime–based on real-life situations revealed in Valachi Papers and hearings in 1963–and in Fredo’s incompetence. After Mama Corleone dies, Fredo “drowns” (read shot and dumped) in Lake Tahoe.

Brando wasn’t in this film, he proved too expensive and too much of a pain in the old keister. (He infamously refused his Oscar in 1973 and designated Sacheen Littlefeather to harangue the Academy on the plight of Native Americans.) 

 

 

Godfather Three (1990, 179 minutes, R, ★★★★) is said to be unfathomable unless you’ve seen parts one and two. That’s true, but it’s much more coherent than the flashback style of part two. Michael is nearing 60, suffers remorse from ordering Fredo’s murder, and is divorced from Kay. He realizes that he has been on the same trajectory as his father and is weary of all the betrayals and murders. This time he means it when he says he wants out, but given that “family” is the Corleone keystone principle he keeps getting sucked back into the things he hates. He does make an agreement with Kay that their son Anthony (Franc D’Ambrosio) can pursue a music career instead of inheriting the family “business.” His daughter Mary (Sofia Coppola) isn’t blind to her father’s doings, but she dotes on him. Her one transgression is that she has a love affair with her first cousin Vincent (Andy García), an ambitious and sanguinary hothead. Connie (Talia Shire) convinces Michael to allow Vincent to set up a meeting with rival Joey Zasa (Joe Mantega), which ends badly, though Michael is impressed by Vincent’s loyalty. He tasks him with pretending to leave the Corleone family to get inside that of Don Altobello (Eli Wallach), who plans to assassinate Michael.   

Mainly Godfather Part Three is about how Michael fails to go straight. He has given tens of millions to charity and has been awarded a prestigious medal from the Catholic Church in the hope of making even more money by taking over Internazionale Immobiliare, a worldwide real estate firm. Michael has also been approached by Archbishop Gilday (a rat-faced Donal Donnelly), who heads the Vatican Bank and is more than $750,000 in arrears. Michael recognizes a swindler when he sees one, but he needs the Vatican’s support to secure a government commission’s okay for the real estate firm that would allow him to go legit. We learn that Michael has a gory plan for the crime families who want him to share the wealth.

There are emotionally affecting sequences in which Michael makes his confession to Cardinal Lamberto (Raf Vallone) in Palermo, where he, Kay, Mary, and Vincent traveled to hear Anthony’s operatic debut. Lamberto tells Michael he deserves to suffer but offers him absolution; shortly thereafter Lamberto becomes Pope John Paul I, who many believe was poisoned by Vatican Bank conspirators to sandbag his vow to reorganize it. It’s also satisfying to see the demise of Archbishop Gilday. Michael, though, will suffer the deaths of two people so close to him that he is reduced to a writhing version of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” I would given Pacino an Oscar just for his gut-wrenching depiction of pure anguish. The film’s coda shows an aged, l hollowed out Michael sitting in a chair in a small Sicilian town waiting to die. We learn that.

Part Three has a central glue lacking in Part Two but any way you slice it, Francis Ford Coppola’s Godfather trilogy is a masterpiece. Coppola was just 33 when he made the first film and it’s tempting to think that perhaps he peaked too early. The acting throughout is spectacular, even if Part Three won no Oscars and Sofia Coppola was awarded two Golden Raspberry trophies for bad acting. (She wasn’t that bad!) Coppola’s morality play about family, loyalty, ambition, greed, betrayal, revenge, and Catholic guilt continues to resonate, even when the period detail appears dated. The storyline is filled with fictional characters, but it is based on things that did happen.  

Rob Weir