Give ‘em a few States: April 2022 Satire

 

 

I’ve long thought that the United States is a fiction and we should figure out how to coexist short of war. If push came to shove, the West Coast would surely secede and do well on its own. The East Coast from Maryland to Maine would be tempted to join Canada, although New Hampshire is an obstacle; though it votes blue in POTUS elections, it’s a purple state. The same problem plagues the Upper Midwest. Minnesota is liberal and Michigan is mostly blue, but Wisconsin has a severe south (liberal) to north (deep-red) split.

 

The solution is to give the rightwing lollapaloozers some states all their own. Congress could allow conservative reservations to opt out of federal laws they find objectionable. They would not be forced to take any federal money, teach critical race theory, sanction gay marriage, get vaccinated, or allow any drugs except crystal meth. They would be free to shoot animals and each other with assault rifles, and could even reenact slavery–presumably of transgendered people.

 

How to winnow? I immediately thought of Texas, but it’s not necessarily a prime candidate. Austin is to the left of Lennons/Lenins John and Vladimir. Plus, its tech industry generates a lot of cash. Plus, San Antonio is a very brown town. Utah looks good as it has few people of color, but it’s Mormon and we knows they ain’t Christians, right?

 

I also thought of North and South Dakota, the first of which is 87% white and the latter 84%. The, however, like two other contenders, Oklahoma and Idaho (89% white with lots of gun crazies), have tough nuts to crack: Injuns. The ones in the Dakotas and Idaho are militant about water rights and pipelines running across sacred land. Oklahoma was once called Indian Territory and it simply has too many–more than 13% of its population–and there’s no nearby barren land to foist off on them.

 

Tennessee is out. Because. Memphis and Nashville. They’re filed with musicians, known socially parasitical bums. And you’d think the Deep South would be an option, but several states–Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia–are just too-black even for the Race War crowd, who could easily lose such a conflict. Plus, Georgia has become purple. Even Ohio and Indiana have a purple yoke; their old industrial areas still pull the lever for Democrats, or at least they will until gerrymandered into Michigan.  

 

Florida ticks all the lunatic boxes and then some, though even Neanderthals might be nervous about a state about to covered by the rising tides of the climate change they publicly deny but privately fear.    

 

After careless consideration, there are a few places liberals could hand over with minimal regret. South Carolina has a lot of African Americans who’d be wise to boogie elsewhere because few places have as many angry white folks as the Tinfoil Hat–sorry Palmetto–State. This makes it prime turf for fleeing Floridians (sans its Cubans­ when Miami becomes an underwater archaeology site). Think of the pride fat golfers will feel as they make their way to Hilton Head through a wildlife refuge named for enslavers (the Pinckney family). Doesn’t it make your patriotic breast swell?

 

Wyoming could be a refuge for modern-day Marlboro Men. We know what Wyoming thinks about gays, so there’s no issue there. It is isolated, though, and neighboring Montana has been known to elect a few liberals, so maybe a division is in order. Stock the prime huntin’ grounds with weak-eyed buffalo, hobbled deer, and unwanted domestic pets.  

 

West Virginia is prime redneck territory, though newcomers would have to compete with indigenous hillbillies. It’s 93% white, loves Bible-belting snake-handling preachers, and the house trailers there–you wouldn’t believe how cheap! A lot of those abandoned stills and mineshafts are already cooking meth, so there’s lots of opportunity in the pharmaceutical industry.

 

Or perhaps ta contiguous solution is needed. One would be the creation of Arkiana, a Gulf Coast combo of Arkansas and Louisiana. Ark would need to find some good old boys to do the chicken gumping now done by Asians, but at least them jobs ain’t goin’ to furriners. The debauchery tourist trade would take a hit with New Orleans off the board, but that’s temporary as the Crescent City is likely to disappear come the next Big One hurricane. Thankfully Ark will supply survivors with loads of Walmart blankies. Did I mention the gator and snake huntin’?

 

Another prime knot could be those Heartlands that make Republicans teary-eyed. You know, the ones with unbalanced politically power, though just 1.4% of Americans actually make their living in agriculture. A conglomerate of Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Nebraska, and Missouri would give the Self-Righteous plenty of room to roam and procreate in abortion-free delight. I’ve no idea how Iowans drifted, but they have become as nutty as Kansans and Nebraskans. Hard to believe all three were once socialist hotbeds. Missouri would give this mini-CSA an exclusive entertainment mecca: Branson, aka/where entertainers decades past their sell-by dates live out their days. When the Civil War began, President Lincoln proclaimed, “I must have Kentucky” and secured it for the Union. Abe was wrong. A Union Kentucky took like a program of Algebra for Plow Horses. It’s pretty, it has horseracing, but the political record….  

 

If we toss in West Virginia, South Carolina, and Florida, we’d cede 20% of America. Texas might go its own way. Good luck with that because the West Coast and Northeast have most of the nation’s fresh water and are known to be hard bargainers. Alaska is also pretty red, and it’s really out of the way, but if it wants to go Nouveau CSA, fine. Get out the flag and start cutting away some stars. A peaceful partition might be only way to avoid another Civil War.