Santa has arrived and now that he’s done with the Macy’s Parade he’s making his list for 12/25. If you see the Big Red Dude, please tell him I’d like the following:
1. A mysterious targeted electronic pulse that wipes out all Christmas music at retail stores and public venues.
2. A ban on clothing made of non-natural materials.
3. Laryngitis for anyone who tries to say that Trump cares about average Americans—he’d sell your organs on E-Bay—or those who want to say that Joe Biden is not too old to be POTUS.
4. A genius brewer to discover that beer can be made without using 3,000 different types of hops in each 12-ounce glass.
5. Collective awareness that an “influencer” isn’t a real thing.
6. Airtime for any naturalist who can explain the difference between a reindeer and a plain old deer.
7. The discovery of a magic pill that transforms pie into health food.
8. An IQ requirement for voting. Or for running for elected office.
9. Unionization of elf labor.
10. Don’t we all want this one? A definitive explanation of how a rotund dude can fit down chimneys and how he gets into locked homes that have none.
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