JUPITER ASCENDING (2015)
Directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski
Warner Brothers, PG-13 (dorsal nudity), 127 minutes)
★★
Although it’s baffling to consider, some sci-fi hipster critics liked Jupiter Ascending when it debuted. Very few others in North America agreed. I suspect the fans of this piece of space dreck convinced themselves that Lana and Lilly Wachowski were real directors rather than two trans-women pulling the wool over their eyes. (The Wachowskis also ruined Cloud Atlas and much of The Matrix series.)
I’ll attempt to untangle the plot, though I’m not sure it can be done. It opens in Chicago where Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) has a shitty job. Literally. She cleans toilets and does housekeeping for hire. As for her name, she has fond memories of her father showing her his telescope and her favorite planet was Jupiter. (Isn’t that an ex post facto explanation?) When he died (was harvested?) Jupiter’s Russian-American family descended to life’s margins. They are so cash-poor that she tries to sell her eggs for cash. Jupiter is strapped onto a gurney and surrounded by nurses-not-nurses. They are actually “Keepers” trying to kill her because her genetic signature makes her the heir to the throne of Abrasax.
Forget Genesis or evolution; Earth was actually seeded by transhuman aliens from Jupiter embroiled in an inheritance squabble. Balem (a creepy, pasty Eddie Redmayne) gets the business empire; Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) is given two planets, and Titus (Douglas Booth) blows his inheritance on a fancy spaceship. The transhumans look human, but they have special powers and have developed a youth elixir that gives them the ability to step into a pool wrinkled and step out youthful. They only die if they choose to or if they are murdered, the fate of the last queen of the House of Abrasax. This would have been Jupiter’s fate as well, were it not for the intervention of Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) an ex-military “Hunter” who rescues her before whirling blades carved her into pieces. (Shades of Perils of Pauline,” 1914!)
Why would a genetically-modified Hunter swoop in with a flying device that’s a cross between Timberlakes and an invisible surfboard? Apparently, Caine once had a pair of wings that were cut off for insubordination. At least that’s the backstory. Everyone wants Queen Jupiter and are willing to cut a deal. Balem especially desires her as he has a marry/kill/inherit plan to harvest Earth to build a reserve of youth serum. (Don’t ask, but it’s a bit like Soylent Green, 1973.) Did I mention the talking, flying carnivorous dinosaurs? I suppose they are there to remind us that humans aren’t as smart or as evolutionarily advanced as we think we are. But my money is on dinosaurs as toss-ins for the special effects (by John Gaeta) that most viewers find impressive. But don’t despair, the plot gets worse.
For some reason, though Caine’s training is supposed to make him immune, he is attracted to Jupiter. She is certainly coming on to him. It’s his biceps, I think. Caine tries to hide Jupiter on Earth at the home of another de-winged Hunter, Stinger Apini (Sean Bean). Of course, if the House of Abrasax found her genetic signature on Earth once, they can do it again, so the entire sequence serves only to bring Stinger into a Hunter buddy picture (after a fistfight, of course) and for Jupiter to discover that she can control bees. Cue Aegis International, a galactic law enforcement group, with a spaceship whose captain (Nikki Amuka-Bird) commands with the coolness and authority of James Tiberius Kirk. The goal is to seek sanctuary in one of Kalique’s planets, but for reasons that warped past me, they end up on Jupiter again where Balem tries first to shotgun-marry Jupiter–he is holding her family hostage and has imprisoned Caine–but you can write the cliched ending from here. Especially if you’ve seen the ending of the first Superman movie.
The special effects and cinematography of John Toll are pretty neat, even in service of a very bad movie. For some reason, the Wachowskis pegged Jupiter Ascending a “space opera.” I only get that if they meant that the girl ends up with the right guy, but wouldn’t that make it a “space romance?” It takes itself far too seriously to be camp. Let’s call it a “friggin’ mess” and be done with it. Awards? Eddie Redmayne got a Golden Raspberry for Worst Supporting Actor. In 2015, Jupiter was trounced by a SpongeBob sequel at the box office.
Rob Weir
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